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Then maybe you’re here for Urban Legends, Apocrypha and other comedy bits by L. M. Warren, a humorist, parodist, philanthropist, anarchist and occasional sporocyst. These are some interesting facts, lies, half-truths and rumors spread around about the author and his works.
As fans of SNOPES.com, IMDB Trivia, and Wikipedia, we realize that just because something may be completely made up and false doesn’t mean it can’t be interesting and believable. In that spirit…
Urban Legends & L. M. Warren Apocrypha
Remember the format:
+ means it is true
– means it is false
? means it is suspicious, possibly true or false, but probably false
* means the world will never know the truth
The End of the Magical Kingdom
The book is about a princess falling in love with an evil witch. +
The book was originally designed to be a full-length animated musical. +
L. M. Warren kind of postponed that when he found out how fucking hard and expensive that was. +
Salem is the equivalent of a terrorist in the book since the book refers to her satirically as “horrorist”. ?
It’s hard to say because Salem doesn’t kill any one without merit, but is still considered an enemy of the state. +
The book is actually Rated NC-17 but since no one at Amazon pays any damned attention, it’s considered PG-13. ?
The book comes with a warning label because of extremely violent scenes and harsh emotional intensity. +
Some people have actually complained to author L. M. Warren that they got physically ill after reading the book. +
Except Heather Warren who just got horny. ?
L. M. Warren sent Richard Fulgham a free copy, as they have been friends a long time. +
L. M. Warren first met Richard Fulgham during the Vietnam War, where they visited painted ladies and drank liquor while off duty (and on). ?
Cal Jennings is interested in playing the role of King Satyre for a live action play based on the story. ?
The book was written with several Disney archetypes in mind, including among others the Beast, Belle, Aladdin and Jasmine. *
The book was originally intended to be called “Attempted Rapture and Zombies”, and would have re-imagined Salem as Hal and Mary as Amara. (See FAQs for more discussion) *
Lydia Antoinette Breaux who describes herself as “the biggest MW fan in the world”, has a cameo in the book, though it’s obviously under an assumed name. ?
The End of the Magical Kingdom trilogy was originally intended to be one movie, then one book, but things kind of got out of hand. +
Matthew McArthur admitted to falling in love with Mitchell Warren after reading the book. ?
Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton both endorsed the book. ?
Disney is interested in making The Evil Princess into a movie starring lesbian Elsa and her lover Anna. –
Warren forces his lovers to dress up like Disney princesses. It’s really disgusting. ?
The idea for the series was conceptualized while Warren went on a multi-date with four lovely ladies at once at the request of his wife. ?
They all loved the book idea so much, well…let’s just say it was a very successful (and messy) date! ?
Roseanne Barr was so appalled by the offensive content in the first book, she blocked Warren on Twitter. ?
Warren met Jennifer Lawson-Perez for a writer’s workshop one day, but they both got drunk and karoaked all night instead. At one point, Warren sang passages from his book while dancing the salsa. –
Then he accidentally uploaded all the pictures to Facebook – his second Facebook account where all his innocent family hangs out. –
Attempted Rapture is an experimental novel by Mitchell Warren. +
The book is not being published on the internet. –
The book is awaiting its official re-release in December 2011. –
Um, try 2014. Nice prediction though. +
The Late Mitchell Warren, who authored the book, is not really dead. +
Warren figured the “late author” bit would be more poetic & commercially successful. +
Mitchell Warren wishes he was dead. ?
The book is hard to classify, because it has many different genre characteristics. +
The book is a harsh, realistic drama. +
The book is a surrealistic, humorous satire. +
The book is a sweet and sappy love story. +
The book is a Christian drama (with plenty of offensive content) +
The book is a cruel exploitation of loveless sex and emotional rape. +
The book is a masterpiece. ?
The book is a piece of shit. ?
The book is of the love it or hate it variety. +
The book is about good old values and traditional Christian morality. +
The book is sacrilegious and contains strong language and disturbing sexual content. (Demon Edition) +
The book does not have any graphic sex or language nor anything blasphemous. (Christian edition) +
The majority of publishing houses wouldn’t touch the material with a ten-foot pole. +
Publish America first published the book until the contract ran out. +
Publish America never reads their submitted manuscripts, so didn’t notice the extreme sex, bizarre comedy and WTF moments in the book. ?
The Late Mitchell Warren and Publish America did not get along and so Mitchell spent seven years flame-warring the company. +
There was a noticeable rise in promiscuity among Publish America employees after the release of Attempted Rapture. *
The book made Publish America horny. *
The book uses unorthodox writing techniques and could be considered a “difficult” read. ?
The book can also be used illegally as a lethal weapon. –
Drinking Coke while reading the book could cause spontaneous human combustion. –
Reading this book will make you fall madly in love with Mitchell Warren. *
Mitchell Warren used to be a pastor, preacher, holy man. +
Attempted Rapture was always intended to be kept a dark, dirty secret. Warren’s motivation for publishing the book will never be known. *
Mitchell Warren was fired as a minister for reading the book aloud to the congregation. –
Pregnant women should consult a doctor before reading the first 100 pages. ?
Reading the book could be dangerous if you are susceptible to hypnosis. *
The book has cost Warren dozens of friendships and multiple romantic relationships. +
Only Christians who never get laid are offended by the book. ?
Warren has made a lot of enemies on writing forums and Yahoo Chat Rooms attempting to market the book. +
He considers his harassment a mission from God, and the internet the tool of Satan. –
Reading the book while drinking hard liquor could cause a regrettable one-night stand. ?
The celibate minister bit is all a lie. Warren is actually a womanizing bastard. –
Attempted Rapture cost Mitchell Warren his professional license to practice psychology. –
Due to personal security and legal liability, Mitchell Warren cannot admit that the book is based on a true story. ?
Please don’t ask if this book is “really based on a true story?” *
There is a secret “sermon” version of Attempted Rapture that was actually given to a church. *
Distinguished author Richard Fulgham loved the book. +
Richard Fulgham called the book “the best damned thing I’ve ever had in my life, all the wanton sex of the 1960s included.” ?
Richard Fulgham famously said, regarding the book, “Excellent…but needs more hogs.” ?
99% of everyone else from Writers.net and writingforums.com hated the book. *
Oprah Winfrey read the book but was bothered by all the white people having sex. ?
Peter Jackson stated that he would love to turn Attempted Rapture into a movie with tons of visual effects. ?
He also claimed the character of Amber would have to be played by a puppetry device. ?
There is an avocado version of Attempted Rapture now playing at Warren’s blog. –
There IS an avocado soap opera playing at Warren’s blog. –
Warren’s blog is defunct. However, the Avocado Soap Opera has been compiled and restored by a team of researchers and is now available at http://subversify.com/2014/04/01/aguacate-in-espanol/ in English and broken Spanish. +
Alex the Pervert appears in three of Warren’s stories: Attempted Rapture, The Avocado Soap Opera and Unsolicited Submission. +
The book has earned Warren multiple death threats. ?
There are two new covers being designed for the book. +
Warren is planning a musical version of the novel. ?
Warren is going to create and sing original songs for the novel and post them on YouTube. ?
Attempted Rapture was written in 2000. +
Warren has been harassed by demonic creatures for the past 11 years mainly because of the “Anne” character. ?
Warren officially killed off Grainne Rhuad in the book. +
It is based on a true story. *
Stop asking that! *
Warren’s four completed novels Attempted Rapture, Cry on Cue, Jaded Sapphira and Gouging the Wound take place in the same universe and have a secret connection. *
The talking dog novel Warren wrote probably didn’t happen in the same universe as Attempted Rapture. +
Or maybe it did. They were all talking dogs, for Christ’s sake, so the issue is irrelevant. ?
Mitchell’s ex-girlfriend Marlise dumped Warren for writing the book. ?
So did three other of Mitchell’s ex-girlfriends. ?
Was he dating them all at the same time ?
One of Warren’s exes has threatened to kill him over the book and still stares at him creepily when he sees her. *
Mitchell’s ex-girlfriend Kathy reportedly read the book to him over the phone while pleasuring herself. ?
Mitchell’s ex-girlfriend Jen read the book and was so horrified she imagined scenes that weren’t even in the goddamned book. +
Mitchell calls all of his Facebook friends his “ex girlfriend” even Nick Upperman and Heather Warren. ?
Which is strange, since he’s married to Heather Warren. How is she his ex then? ?
The highly unpublishable cat-fucking scene was added surreptitiously and to this day nobody seems to have noticed it. +
Belle from Beauty and the Beast makes a cameo appearance. +
She was umm…how shall we say, not treated very well in the book and ended up a soaking mess. +
She was not actually the Disney Belle, but the fairy tale Belle, which is public domain. *
Attempted Rapture is about an actual religion, church and congregation. ?
Stop asking us that, dammit. +
Mitchell’s old writing colleague Gregory Faljean read the book and loved it. +
Gregory Faljean later went insane and died, and probably as a direct result of reading the book. ?
As did Jason Guile, another one of Mitchell’s writing colleagues. ?
In fact everyone Warren met at WritingForums.com went insane or died because the website had nothing but a bunch of stupid kids who couldn’t write worth shit. +
Daniella from WritingForums.com left a distinct impression on Warren…so much so that he created a Daniella character based on her later on. +
Daniella was a Nazi and later served as the inspiration for Queen Blossom in The End of the Magical Kingdom. ?
The book was always intended as a parody of The Bridges of Madison County. *
There is a real Anne McNamary living somewhere in Dallas, who has threatened to rape Warren if she ever sees him. –
Would Warren at least scream or object if that happened? ?
Warren keeps asking Vanessa Verduga, aka Justice Woman, to do a comic book crossover with Justice Woman and The Avocado (a superhero created by Warren). She always responds with “Who are you again?” ?
Despite many jokes, The Avocado is not actually a character in Attempted Rapture, and has only appeared in Internet fiction. +
And fanfiction? *
Cal Jennings reviewed Attempted Rapture in the character of a stoned hippie. +
Or was he just playing himself? ?
Cry On Cue
The book was written by Floren Felvturn and edited by Mitchell Warren. –
This rumor has been officially debunked. Warren wrote it all along. +
Floren Felvturn is not real but based on several people from Warren’s life. ?
If so, he sure knew some mad bitches in his time! *
Cry On Cue received more hate mail and bad reviews than anything Warren did, including writing forums where he pissed off hundreds of people. +
Savvy Thorne said she wanted to read Cry On Cue years ago. But since then she hates Warren’s guts and has vowed never to read anything by him. *
Same thing with Sara Gruen. +
Sara Gruen sexually harassed Warren on Writers.net. ?
As did Gary Kessler. ?
Mitchell Warren actually makes a self-deprecating cameo in Cry On Cue. +
Jason Poppin was based on a real life person. *
Paula Retsmah was actually a hamster. *
In that case, how did she talk?! *
Warren’s father said, “I didn’t understand a word of it and I gave up.” +
Nobody to this day has understood it because it makes no goddamned sense. ?
Cry On Cue probably broke the record for the most ridiculously obscene vocabulary in any book ever written. ?
At least until Attempted Rapture: The Sinner was re-released. +
Cry On Cue and Attempted Rapture happen in the same universe and are linked together. *
Cry On Cue, along with Attempted Rapture, helped nab Warren a wife. +
Warren fucks and marries all of his fans. *
Richard Fulgham gave Cry On Cue and Attempted Rapture four-stars. +
Richard Fulgham later said Mitchell Warren’s Facebook posts were so brilliant he considered them better than all of Warren’s books. WTF, man. ?
Warren learned the song “Canon in D” in honor of this book…which he eventually forgot. However, he can still play Fur Elise on the piano, which is mentioned in Attempted Rapture: The Saint. +
Cry On Cue offended so many Christians Warren was ex-communicated from the church. ?
Cry On Cue was originally a church sermon before becoming an NC-17 rated sex comedy. *
Warren actually paid one of his girlfriends to torture a hamster for the making of the book cover ?
Warren once had sex with a groupie who confused Cry On Cue with Attempted Rapture. Warren stopped mid-intercourse and asked her to leave. ?
Long-time Warren collaborator Brady Boyd, read the book and was so disgusted with the immorality, he became a pastor and found Jesus. ?
Brady Boyd, still a Christian minister, told Warren he imagined he “tasted like Tobasco sauce, yum yum” which creeped Warren out. To this day, Warren has not spoken to Brady, and has blocked him on Facebook. ?
Raining Cats and Dogs
The book was written as a parody of Dostoevsky. +
It originally debuted at Subversify.com. +
Warren wrote the book while undergoing a mental breakdown followed by heavy medication. ?
Warren claimed he was devoting the rest of his life to writing dog novels only, and ceasing all human characters from that point on. ?
It does sound like something he would say. +
Most of the Dog and Cat characters are based on writers Warren actually met from Writers.net. *
Wouldn’t that be a major insult? +
Bill Purkayastha read the first part of the book but then stopped, suggesting that he hated Sedna the Dog so much it made him physically ill. ?
Astra Navigo also read the book, claiming he “related so much” to Tashi the Dog and his amoral character. ?
Richard Fulgham refuses to the read the book because he claims it disparages the hogs of Cold Harbor that he once wrote about. ?
Tashi is based on a real life bitch. *
PETA gave the book a big thumbs up. –
PETA is really run by an insane Pug in real life. ?
The same Midget Cat makes an appearance in Raining Cats and Dogs AND The Watchmaker’s Child. +
Karla Fetrow’s dog enjoyed the book more than Karla Fetrow. ?
The book was written “for dogs by a dog”, at least according to the marketing campaign. +
Mitchell Warren has been killing off all the other Mitchell Warren’s on the Internet in an obsessive quest to be the only Mitchell Warren anywhere. His victims include Warren Mitchell, Mitchell Warren and Mitchell Warren. –
Other Books by L. M. Warren
“Perhaps some of my writer friends can relate: there are some things better left unsaid, some characters best aborted, and some stories best forgotten. What few people realize is just how much crap goes on in our heads before something truly amazing is actually birthed. Many stories are rewritten or retooled and sometimes wiped out altogether for the good of humanity.”
Gouging the Wound was buried in the archives, never to be released. +
Read by only a few ardent and extremist Warren followers, Gouging the Wound is said to be Warren’s most emotionally vexing book to read, and hence, was never released to the public; Warren cited that he “Loved people too much to let them read it.” He describes the book as “disturbing, traumatic and possessing no redeeming value. Even the message was crap, since it was hypocritical wisdom all the way.” This esoteric review doesn’t do much to explain the book, but it’s safe to assume this means bad news for a future release. It is pushed far beyond 10 years if ever, since Warren admits, “Releasing it would probably mean my death or someone else’s death. It is a book about death. It resulted in the end of at least one human life, as far as I know, perhaps more. There is no good that can come from releasing it. It is truly possessed by a demon.”
Jaded Sapphira’s release has been indefinitely postponed. +
Only a few people have read this mysterious book, oftentimes referenced by Warren and his devotees but one that never received a wide release. Warren’s readers signed a gag order. Some believe it is the unofficial sequel to Attempted Rapture though this cannot be verified. Warren has not commented on the content but does list this as one book that may be released “sometime in the distant future.” Warren has admitted to being uneasy about the content, stating that anyone who read it immediately developed sexual and romantic feelings for the author. He speculates this could be because of a hex contained early on in the book.