Welcome to Cadabra Island!
We the outliers of society invite you to come visit the world of Cadabra, one land passed “Happily Ever After”, and a few steps beyond “Once Upon a Day”. Take a left at “There Once Was A…” and there you will find us.
Thinking of traveling to Cadabra this season? Before you book a trip, be sure to read the official Travel Guide and see the map.
Please note that this page is a parody of a Wiki Travel Guide and is not real. But if you end up booking a trip to Cadabra or buying imaginary real estate, we won’t correct you.
Please, have a seat and make sure you’re comfortable. Glad you all could make it. What’s your name, youngling? My name, well, don’t worry about what my name is right now. Just think of me as the Tour Concierge.
I’m very happy to hear that you’ve decided to travel to Cadabra, an island adventure unlike any other, and one that’s sure to create many wonderful memories between you and yours. It’s the perfect cure for the cynical city dweller who is exhausted from the daily grind of urban life. I tell you, working every day for minimum wage wears out the soul. No wonder so many tourists visiting Cadabra have decided to jump ship and live on the island! There’s plenty of work to do, but well, I suppose it’s not the type of “work” most city dwellers are used to doing.
Now, please read this guide with an open mind. Chances are, if you’ve never visited a really dangerous part of the world, some of the things you’re about to read may seem a little unnerving. But believe me, and I know from experience, if you respect the rules and stay out of the danger zones, you’ll be just fine. And if you have a death wish, well, you might as well go out doing something you love. Me personally, I would spend my final moments on this earth in the act of making love, or at least something close to it. No good sense in dying in fear, depression and regret, right?
Statistically speaking, you have about a 1:7 chance of dying if you leave the official Cadabra Tour Guide behind. Stay close to the Kingdoms and away from the Provinces and your chances of death increase to 1:112, and I don’t know about you, but I like those odds. So in this guide, we’re going to learn what kingdoms are offering tours, what to do in these kingdoms, and later on, we’ll talk about how to communicate with some of the locals.
The Great Island of Cadabra
As you might know, Abracadabra is an incantation believed to have supernatural healing powers when inscribed on an amulet. The origin of that name, or how the Abra got separated from the Cadabra, is not known for sure, but we can assume that it had something to do with Magic, because the Old Kingdom was The Magical Kingdom. It all happened back in the days of magic. Back when everything had a supernatural origin and miracles were as commonplace as misunderstandings. Of course, those days are long gone now. Nowadays, you don’t see too much of anything except people believing in what they want to believe, without much proof one way or the other. Now if you believe the history books, then the founder of the Island of Cadabra was Fen Mien I, the First Queen, and she chose the name for her own personal reasons. And as anyone can tell you, when a woman makes up her mind about something there’s no good sense in trying to change it. Of course, not everyone believes what history says. Quite a few people say that history has been written by the winners, and revisionist history is all we ever read about. You know, what “they” want us to believe, whomever “they” refers to.
What Cadabra Means to People
Anyway, if you want to believe what history tells us then you accept that in the beginning, once upon a time, Queen Fen Mien I founded Cadabra. The island was a lush tropical paradise untouched by mankind for centuries, which certainly explains why it stayed so pretty for so long. Mankind, you see, has a habit of spoiling every good thing he comes across.
The idea of Cadabra was what you might call altruistic. She wanted to turn the island into a thriving society of social equals, a place where everyone respected each other, everyone was given a fair chance to make a good living. It didn’t matter if you were white, black, brown, green, or blue, had boy parts or lady parts or even a little of both. It was also a place where you could say that “your rights ended where mine began” if you understand the connotation. Now that sounds like real freedom, doesn’t it? A place where I could say, you know, this is my house and what goes on in my house is my business, so as long as I’m not hurting anybody or building a huge stink bomb that I plan to detonate on Mother’s Day. A land of freedom, of safety, and of ambition—that certainly sounds like something worth fighting for, even today, so far removed from the beginning of things.
Now at some point later, you’re going to find some museums and some books that document some of the history of our island, whether real or alleged. But like the old Cadabra expression goes, “Who reads history textbooks? They’re boring!” And most people don’t make a visit all the way out here to the island just to hear an old man talk about the way things used to be. And in this case, what “used to be” is something beyond even my comprehension, since like you, I sure as the sun wasn’t there to see it. I may be old but I’m not ancient.
I’m sorry, I lost my train of thought. I can’t help but notice the sky, showing some sneaks of moonlight over in the East, behind the mountains. You know a lot of fellas have some very strange predictions about what color the moon is going to turn some day. Apparently, a few hundred years ago “they” decided that it was an eventuality that the moon was going to magically change colors. A Red Moon, can you imagine that? They really think the moon is going to bleed out a new color. They claim they saw it. They recorded it. Some kind of scientific anomaly that happens every one hundred years. Now you tell me…does that moon right there look Red to you?
I guess that’s when you know you’ve outgrown your society. When you look up at the moon and say, “Well that sure looks like a regular moon to me. Doesn’t look like it’s going to turn any new color.” And they say, “No, look again. That moon right there is going to shine bright as Red. Did you know that?” And you say, “Well, no, sir. I guess it looked like ordinary moonlight to me, yellow, white, a bit cream colored.” And they say “No, you’re mistaken, friend. If we’re all seeing Red, and they’re all seeing Red, then it must be a Red Moon. Why are you seeing the wrong color?” Anyway, I believe we were talking about history. Oh and point of interest. If you start conversing with the locals, don’t ask them about the Red Moon, it’s just a bit of a touchy subject you best avoid. And please, uh, don’t throw around my name if you want to bring it up.
There are different independent states contained within the island. It’s made of four kingdoms and seven independent provinces. Some of them get along and some of them not so much. First, you have the so-called… Literate Kingdoms and seven independent provinces.
- The Kingdom of Gold
- The Diamond Empire
- The Kingdom of Blood
- The Commonwealth of the Pink Sky
- The Babadeans Refuge
- The Borderlands
- The Outskirts
- The Animal Parish
- The Wilderness
- The Revolution Ghetto
- Old Fen Mien Island
Now if you’re coming to the island for the first time, you’re probably going to be arriving by boat which means you’re going to take one of two Marinas, situated west and southwest of the island by the coast. Now I know some people are going to talk about floatplanes but that’s not really an option for you, the tourist. You have to understand something. It isn’t the United States of Cadabra, not by a long shot. Just because people have modern technology here doesn’t mean they’re too inclined to share it with others. Some have it and some don’t and that’s just the deal that we have to accept because there are inescapable divisions that separate us all, even though we’re all one kind of human being. I guess you know a little bit about how that goes from your own experiences living in this world.
And no pilot in his right mind is going to offer to fly you here on a private jet. Something about flying over a “triangle of doom”, I don’t know, but they all get mighty superstitious after you talk about arranging for a flight here. The only two kingdoms hospitable to travelers coming in from the outside are The Kingdom of Gold and the Diamond Empire, and because of their convenient coastal location, they welcome tourists and boaters docking and safe harbor. The Diamond Marina is Southwest and the Gold Marina is far west.
Things To Do in Cadabra
Now let’s take a break from reviewing the territory and focus on having some fun. There are plenty of destinations to enjoy all over Cadabra, and according to the kingdoms and provinces. The Diamond Empire, along with the Kingdom of Gold, are the best places to experience Cadabra hospitality.
The Kingdom of Gold
Political System: Oligarchy
Motto: “Come create memories that last a lifetime in The Kingdom of Gold. I mean, why would you want to visit a bunch of savages, anyway?”
Tour the House of Opula, the most luxurious creation in all the island, made of 100% pure gold, with nothing else. Not a gem or inferior metal to be found. The Royal bedrooms are off limits, naturally, but there are giant halls, corridors and golden courtyards that extend for miles, and are all immaculately polished and blinding to look at. They say, walking the House of Opula is like staring into the sun. King Amram, still in power, built the House over his long reign, and it remains the spectacle of the island even today.
The 79 Streets of AU is not the most exciting attraction to be honest, but it’s something most tourists want to see just to say they’ve seen it in person. The 79 streets of AU extend from the House of Opula all the way to the borderlands, naturally, the roads paved with gold. Every year a festival happens where people walk the streets. It’s really boring, to be perfectly honest. But for the culture of it, go ahead…just take a horseback ride.
Gold Street is the Central Business District of the Gold Kingdom, and contains many large castles and fortresses used exclusively for trading commodities, meeting with clients for investments, and of course, those VIP lunch negotiations. There are also hotels here, made of inferior gold, but still insanely overpriced.
The Royal Public (Private) Bazaar is a mobile marketplace, traveling to and from the Gold Kingdom, the Diamond Empire and the Kingdom of Blood. Not only are original, one of a kind crafts sold here, but it also houses the latest cutting edge designs in Cadabra Fashions, styled by the 100% Pure Virgins, a group of creative and sexually frustrated young women who specialize in creating pathos and expression in the form of designer clothing.
Golden Statue Boulevard is an auditorium built exclusively for theater, not only dramas, plays and musicals, but also fashion shows and celebrity interviews, as the Royal Family and the Governors of each Gold State (25 in total) are highly treasured for their financial wisdom, pithy humor, and astounding observations about the human spirit, and how affluence brings out the best in humanity. A great place to mingle with Cadabra celebrities, as they all come here at some point, if for no other reason, than to least get a brownnosing journalist to interview them.
Jousting Tournaments are still kept in practice, an antiquated sport since the days of the Old Kings. Knights battle it out, though duels are no longer practiced. The Kingdom of Gold finds no particular value in dead bodies and finds the expense of a free burial vexing. Taverns are here and there, but the best wine is served at the Jousting Tournament and brand new wines from 25 states appear every month for tasting.
Trek through the Golden Forests, not literally made of gold, thankfully, but said to be populated with huge trees and untouched bamboo fields. It is often said that these forests are haunted by ghosts of animals—and apparently the former pets of old royalty, if you’re to believe the rumors.
Golden Showers is the only tourist-friendly water park in Cadabra, and is guaranteed to be safe, unlike competing parks in the Outskirts and in the Old Fen Mein Castle, which are very dangerous. No need to snicker, as the Golden Kingdom’s long running joke of Urine Therapy helping the underprivileged (in essence, peeing on the poor to quench their thirst) is the very theme of the popular water park. The water is “golden”, thanks to food coloring, visual lighting effects and carefully placed golden fixtures. There is also an option to bathe in liquid gold for a very high price or to be urinated on by a governor or celebrity. I, for one, pass on that. But you never know with some tourists.
Always be respectful when referring to the Royal Family, the House of Opula, and the Gold Standard, which refers to the fact that Gold is the most expensive material in all of Cadabra, surpassing even Diamonds. Try to avoid “Gold Talk”, which refers to mocking the unique and superfluous way in which the Royal Family speaks.
When shopping in the CBD or near Golden Statue Boulevard or Gold Street, do not ever say you’re broke, are short on money or indicate you’re running out of money. This will get the attention of security guards who will escort you out of public places. Everyone in the Kingdom of Gold is expected to be wealthy, particularly tourists, who are sampling The Gold Kingdom’s world-renowned extravagance.
Be careful traveling through the Golden Forests, as the maze of trees and bamboo can be confusing and occasionally unguided tourists get lost and starve to death. The Kingdom of Gold is more tolerant of tourist’s odd behaviors, and language barriers, but only so long as you don’t talk about budgeting, low funds or “saving money” since that’s obviously “poor people talk.”
The Kingdom of Gold typically keeps romance among the upper class and consider tourists to be infested with sexually transmitted diseases and poor-quality condoms at that, so looking to score around this region is a waste of time.
The Babadeans Refuge
Independent Province (Managed by the Kingdom of Gold)
Motto: “Bok bok eheegord. Han foooomehgggdatsbowmowwwboomooow. Kum put oyo? Twaaaay twaygoot.”
The Babadeans Refuge is a wonderful little spot, tucked away in the “bosom” on the Golden Kingdom’s seafront, and is an independent city-state. No one claims to own it, because the natives and aborigines there are so kind, so all-welcoming and embracing, regardless of politics or persuasion.
The natives speak limited Cadabra English but know how to serve you good food, give wonderful massages (with a “happily ever after” at the end), and let you use their water springs and fountains free of charge. They have a free hospital and sometimes they even put on their own little “theater” show, which no one understands because of the language barrier, but it’s hilarious nonetheless.
The Kingdom of Gold allows them free reign since they grow delicious food for the Royals at no charge. You instantly fall in love with the place as soon as you meet them, they’re so gregarious. It’s wonderful to see such unpretentious and docile people left in the world. They are truly a treasure that every single kingdom is ready to defend, should any man, in his madness, wish to do these beautiful creatures harm.
These people are a little short, not even the men are over four feet tall, so be very careful when touching them, hugging them or playing with them.
The Diamond Empire
Political System: Democracy
Motto: “Diamonds last forever. Diamonds are a girl’s best friend. This is the vacation of a lifetime. We hope you book a trip with us, _________. You are so precious!*
Diamond Star Headquarters is a huge skyscraper with 100 stories devoted to corporations, sub-corporations, niche corporations, and departments of such, all owned by Diamond Star, the most technologically-advanced civilization in Cadabra. Unlike the other kingdoms, still fond of nature’s gifts and wild undisturbed terrain, Diamond Star has leaped forward to explore magnetic levitation technology, flight, robotics, collective connectivity through super computers, and holographic displays.Tours are running constantly, though the view of the Cadabra sky and land terrain, through floor to ceiling windows, are far more exciting than the offices and cubicles of the workers, 80% of which are robotic, and 60% of which offer the Human Friendly Experience, meaning they pretend to be human. The other 20% are programmed to be vocally hostile to human, as tourists seem to enjoy that for whatever reason.
The Silver Diamond Subway is in name only, and is actually constructed of carbyne and spider silk, and allows residents and tourists to travel at a supersonic speeds, to both ends of the Diamond Empire. It allows you to feel weightlessness and is guaranteed to be safe. However, it only allows travel from within the boundaries of Diamond Star, not including the territories of The Revolution or beyond.
The Robot Museum is closed most days of the year, constantly remodeling. But when they do finally open to the public it is a grand experience, featuring live robot models of varying sizes and debuting the latest in artificial intelligence.
The Wizard’s Retreat is an underground cave, mostly of ruins, where many amazing feats were allegedly performed by the mythical founder of the Diamond Empire. Nothing is left here but remnants of ships, machines and rocks (which are free for visitors to take home) and other elements. A collector’s adventure for sure.
The Diamond Star Space Center is the empire’s latest effort to travel into space, where significant progress has been made. Part of the center is a museum, part is a theme park with high-tech roller coasters like the “Diamond Mine Terrrortrail” Molecule Scrambler, and the “Loose Sea Diamond” Trip, and part is a laboratory closed for scientific study.
Take a robotic legless horse through the open caves, barren wastelands, and miles and miles of residential and commercial buildings.
Diamondball is the official sport of the Diamond Empire and is a brutal sport where humans, robots, cyborgs and other “guests” accidentally die while participating in passes, interceptions and tackles. The sport takes place in a huge dome made of silver and diamond, and which is completely powered by artificial intelligence and machinery. This is not recommended for children for the occasional on-field death, but is not nearly as savage as offered by other provinces.
The Diamond Centre refers to the CBD, which has all of Cadabra’s chain restaurants, wineries, liquor stores, and psychoactive plant shops. These foods and beverages are not vintage, by any means, as they are literally manufactured by robots, and refurbished robots at that. But they are still satiating. Many tourists opt for Phillurs Whole Earth tablets, which are capsules containing all essential vitamins, proteins and electrolytes, which seem to curb hunger all day long—and are cheaper than splurging on fast food.
The Diamond Empire is probably the best kingdom for touring, simply because they have multiple classes of high-income residents, middle income, and poverty-stricken (and yes, I do mean poverty) and so they have learned to be adaptable in conversation. A lot of workers specialize in kingdom-to-kingdom sales, and so have adopted a friendlier manner of speaking than commodity-based regions.
Do not disturb residents in their private habitats, as most of them are armed and not afraid nor prevented from using weapons—including murderous robots—for home protection. It is best to not approach commercial businesses beyond the Diamond Star Headquarters and CBD area, unless you have an appointment.
Free speech is pretty much guaranteed here, though why anyone would try to find fault with CEO Wendy, who has made great strides in technology and development, is anyone’s guess.
Please be aware that young children may be disturbed to see periodic jumpers off the top of the Diamond Star Headquarters. Yes, this is exactly what it sounds like. Most tourists are used to it by now and robotic cleaning crew will usually clean up the remnants within minutes.
The Kingdom of Blood
Political System: Constitutional Monarchy
King Satyre: “Aye, don’t bother coming this year. I won’t guarantee your safety.”
It always amuses me to learn how many tourists really don’t use common sense. They think just because they’re tourists and everyone else is a “local” that there’s some obligation to be accommodating. So yes, let’s suppose that were true and all kingdoms really were accommodating.
So ladies and gentleman, hello and welcome to The Kingdom of Blood. Here, at the Kingdom of Blood, we’re delighted to have you and serve you. Please, step right up and enjoy a three-night stay in one of our blood hotels, and enjoy a hearty breakfast of blood, followed by a walk all along the river, which you are really hoping is filled with water.
Now don’t get me wrong, the Kingdom of Blood is not a terrorist kingdom, but they are about as close to the line as you can get. They’re just friendly enough to ask you to do your business quickly and leave. They at least have the courtesy to ask, and that’s nice coming from people typically known for ripping your head off when there’s a misunderstanding. So usually the ones who travel to the Kingdom of Blood are traveling for business, not really for pleasure.
They do a guided tour once a month, just to stay something close to civil with the other kingdoms. The tour guide there is considered generally safe, though if you jump in a river like a fool, don’t expect them to come in and swim after you. If you want to explore on your own, expect to be met with grunts, sneers and toxic greetings. They consider you a troublemaker if you want to get away from the tour guide and see things “on your own.”
The Kingdom of Blood doesn’t have much in the way of entertainment and is not considered tourist friendly, except for the official guided tour.
The Crimson Palace housing The House of Satyre is considered off-limits except in official negotiations, marriage treaties, fundraising events, and other official business.
The Blood Games competitions are still functioning but mostly unattended by Royalty, and are often used by tribes of warring factions just itching to kill each other for whatever reason. Believe it or not, tourists are permitted here to witness duels to the death, and are guaranteed not to be dragged into the pit with vicious animals, warriors and other inhuman and horrific creatures, in exchange for a generous donation. Not recommended for children. Bodies are rarely cleaned up but over time, get eaten by wild strays. Bones are still visible inside and outside the amphitheatre.
The One Hundred Gardens is a tourist friendly area that highlights the Kingdom of Blood’s love of nature, with many flora and fauna growing massively and unbothered here, with many extinct varieties of plants, trees, bushes and foliage being spotted here that is found nowhere else on earth. Picking apart plants for smoking is not recommended.
The Red River, a large body of (hopefully) water, where residents and tourists are allowed to fish. Tourists love fishing here because fish are oftentimes the size of wolves and it’s not uncommon for octopi or walruses to jump onto the boat and challenge fishermen to a fight.
The Blood Forest is an open forest for hunting game. No provisions of protection are offered, and many hunters die each year underestimating the threats of bears, wolves, big cats and a few Big Foot type of unidentified primates, which are reportedly growing fond of human flesh.
The Red Wall, literally covered in blood, from ages ago, and fairly new contributions to the wall, which separates the Kingdom of Blood’s territory from the Wilderness beyond. Most tours avoid this area, for the continuing threat of an outsider approaching from the east, which merits immediate execution from a Red Guard. For a higher price, tourists can view the wall and see fresh coats of blood left from unwise witches, hybrids, and mutants that dare to approach civilized territory.
Do not go beyond the tourist guided areas. Forests are deadly enough but private farms are protected by warriors who own their own lands. They consider anyone approaching their farms and livestock a threat and will aim for the head first.
Do not look for souvenirs. Tourists sometimes ask locals for souvenirs, only to be handed a beheaded bird. This is a very poor kingdom and any talk of wealth or upper class will usually cause a scene with the locals.
Political talk is dangerous, considering the growing unrest of the people, poor as ever, and an uneasy marriage alliance with the Gold Kingdom.
The Kingdom of Blood is very standoffish about long, lingering stares or keeping a big smile on your face. They might think of it as a dueling challenge, or perhaps think it’s a sexual come-on. And since there are a lot of big, hairy and sword-wielding guys walking around here, not a good idea to sexually provoke them one way or the other.
Blood warriors take offense to tourists trying to date their sons and daughters, and if you are successful in “scoring” they consider it a bond of matrimony. Unsubstantiated reports say that there are plenty of wandering savages in the Blood Kingdom that will be happy to “date” you, but not in the way you’re anticipating. Be careful about saying anything potentially offensive about their culture or anyone from the Crimson Palace.
King Satyre’s reign has long been associated with war and violence, and only recently have he and King Amram of the Gold Kingdom reached a peace treaty.
The Commonwealth of the Pink Sky
Political System: Republic
Motto: “Women and Scientists eat free! Join the Commonwealth of the Pink Sky.”
Despite their relatively stable government and standard diplomacy, it is not as open a kingdom as one might think. The Palace of Saints is off limits, except to royalty and all farming land is government-owned and operated, strictly off-limits to tourists. Not a lot is known about the Pinkians except the fact that they don’t accept God, they love them a good science lesson, and they have a list of rules that’s longer than a street. They are open to tours but by all means respect the rules and don’t ruffle any feathers. They occupy all the northern territory, up until the Outskirts, but word on the streets is that they have a special relationship with the strange people that come from the Outskirts.
What you can look forward to is the Pinkian Marketplace, which debuts many new species of flora, fauna, livestock and culinary delights each year for purchase OR for trade. They do openly haggle. As the Pinkians excel in the Genetically Modified Produce race, you can find all sorts of strange and wonderful edibles and collectibles here, science-approved as always, most famously Pinkian Wood, the best quality in the island. Drug use is decriminalized here, provided you are only ingesting drugs approved by the Committee of Science, which has its own museum, education center and forum, which is open to the public. Section 5 substances are drugs not approved by the committee and include:
- Royal Golden Fecal Mushrooms (banned in the Golden Kingdom as well)
- Witch Broth Fruit from the Outskirts
- Century Aged Wine from the Kingdom of Blood (which is said to be unhygienic and very unhealthy)
- Poisonous Mead from The Revolution Ghetto
- Man-eating plants from the Wilderness, including the resin, buds and stems
- and “Banned in Cadabra” spirits, made by malfunctioning robots with the sole intent to injure human beings.
- Ironically Pinkian Sauce, created by Pinkian scientists under the highest order of secrecy, is illegal in every kingdom, and only permitted for government testing purposes. But some people still like to drink it, those crazy fools.
Observatories are located throughout the kingdom and you can expect to see these landmarks of Science all over the Commonwealth provinces. They include telescopes, museums, exhibits and educational lectures. There is also a confessional on hand, with a resident psychologist and psychiatrist ready to assist and absolve the mentally ill.
There are seven provinces that make up the Commonwealth: Thar, Dreg, Lots, Dirp, Sul, Vey and Tulgon. Each one is governed by a consulate and arranges for tour guides separately, though some agents offer a trip to all seven provinces, as well as the Marketplace and Committee of Science facility.
Thar is defined by its competitive but safe and controlled sports, like sword fighting, paintbombs, and laser games.
Dreg has casinos, with slots, cards, roulette, and other games, dealing in all forms of Cadabra currency.
Lots is well known for its eco-tours, ice hotels, tank hostels, and tree house hotels.
Dirp is a reeducation refuge, where the mentally ill are reconditioned back into society. This is where addicts, the insane, rebels, emotionally fragile, delusionals and terrorists are rehabilitated. While therapy sessions are not opened to the public, a tour of the premises is encouraged.
Sul is gaining a reputation for its entertainment shows, including burlesque shows and controlled adult entertainment. Its location, nearest to the outskirts, explains why it’s the edgiest province in Pinkian Territory, and all civilized kingdoms.
Yven is the artisan capital of the land, and specializes in natural blue waters and the production of mirrors. It also has a large fun house of mirrors and numerous postmodern art galleries that are built with the specific intent to make visitors uncomfortable. It is very popular with tourists, and quite crowded, which can be disastrous when dealing with an abundance of strategically placed mirrors.
Tulgon’s specialty is cuisine, the finest GMO-influenced dinners in all Cadabra, also serving psychoactive plants, aged wine, and a few drinks that mimic Pinkian (Brewed) Sauce using liquors, psychedelic mushrooms and herbal hallucinogens—but which obviously do not come close to matching the power of the original recipe.
Prostitution is technically illegal here, though many residents simply cross over into the Outskirts to avoid criminal charges or rehabilitation. Drug use is tolerated if the drug is science approved. Pirates and rebel-rousers are arrested and sent to reeducation camps. Except in extreme circumstances, such as insurrection against the government or palace, the death penalty has been abolished in this land.
Do not ever speak ill of the government or Science, as this could label you a witch or witch sympathizer. Avoid being critical of the Palace of Saints, though only Science knows what they actually do in there all day long. The Pinkians are an odd group of people and can be unpredictable in conversation.
They are going through a bit of royal upheaval at the moment, so please be understanding and avoid talking about politics, religion or economy. If all else fails, ask them about the Red Moon, because they seem to love harping on that subject.
Death Wish Vacations
(Unoccupied Territory, Currently in Dispute)
Warning: “THIS LAND IS CURRENTLY IN DISPUTE. NO TRESPASSING. THIS MEANS YOU.”
The Outskirts, The Wilderness, Revolution Ghetto and Animal Parish are not officially opened to tourism. They are, indeed, very welcoming to tourists, although half of everyone you meet is trying to swindle you out of precious metals or perhaps kidnap you for human trafficking purposes. Did I mention that these parts are kind of dangerous? Right. That said, you may be surprised to learn that there are plenty of tourists that disregard warnings and take “Death Wish Vacations” to enjoy some of the many illicit attractions that the various neighborhoods have to offer to locals and travelers.
To the west, and right about in the middle of all Cadabra is the Borderlands, another place that is not typically associated with tourism. The problem being, the lands are not actually owned and operated by anybody. The Kingdom of Gold is to the west, the Pinkians up north, the Kingdom of Blood eastward and the Diamond Empire down south. This means that the borderlands are no one’s territory and there is no governing authority in these lands, making it a no-no for many tourists.
While unofficially, the extremities of the Borderlands are occupied by all members of the four kingdoms, the deeper you go into the center of the territory, the less safe it becomes. That’s where many witches and warlocks live and they are considered hostile terrorists to all Cadabra, all kingdoms and all citizens. Or as we call them in Cadabra, “Horrorists.”
Witches are not legally permitted to stay in the Borderlands, but are only allowed to live in the Wilderness. Still, try to tell a witch to do something and you know she’s just going to do the opposite. There are many witches that break the law and live in the Borderlands, probably figuring that no one’s going to bother hunting them down because that’s just a waste of time and resources. Killing a witch, like they all say, is like stepping on a cockroach. It ain’t worth the mess you leave on your shoe.
The Borderlands is probably the most tourist-friendly location of the six independent provinces of Cadabra, and is largely a neutral zone where anything goes—at least until authorities from the four Literate Kingdoms appear to settle a score. That’s the one good thing about the Borderlands, is that there are frequent appearances by Gold, Red, Pink and Diamond soldiers usually every other day. Unfortunately, many witches and warlocks have taken up residences illegally in the Borderlands, which is a rising concern as they have been banished for a long time.
There has been talk of a four-kingdom meeting taking place in the near future, regarding the discussion of whom the Borderlands actually belong to, since it has been debated for centuries.
In the meantime, the most popular tourists spots, most of which are relatively safe, include: The Cemeteries, which are creepy looking but not known for anything but ghoulish sightseeing. Please note that the graves are fairly shallow and it’s possible you might see a bone sticking out here and there, so children could be disturbed.
The Fringes of Literate Kingdoms are surely the safest place in the Borderlands, as these four “sides” are always occupied by soldiers or land surveyors of the Gold Kingdom, Diamond Empire, Kingdom of Blood and Pinkians. A great place to sight-see, as there are long stretches of natural land, and it’s not too unheard of to camp out here.
Along the way, you can tour the Demonic Gardens (supposedly haunted but not really believed to be dangerous), The Winding Forest, The Garden of Neyestanand Gadabout Mountain. The Winding Forest is a bit of a maze and so a tour guide is recommended. Most tour guides are not afraid to accompany you to the most popular Borderland locations. There are no businesses here, so stick to one of the four literate kingdoms for camping or hotel accommodations.
Three locations that occasionally report disturbances do include The Swamps and Briar Patches, the Garden of Nehustan (Snake Garden), and the Abandoned Caves, which apparently aren’t all that “abandoned.”
More witch activity has been reported here as of late, with multiple sightings of lone witches or even pairs of witches, sometimes accompanied by “talking animals” which is certainly a dead giveaway for occult practices. It’s best to stay away from these locations and all witches if possible, since supporting or associating with a witch on these particular lands is a felony in all four kingdoms.
(Independent Province, Managed by Various Property Owners)
Motto: “Bad news, buddy. You’re NOT hallucinating.”
“The Outskirts” is a scary place. These are the sorts of people that would do toward, unnatural things to your sons and daughters if they only had the chance. Rapists. Drug addicts. Sex perverts. Bounty hunters and murderers. And those are just the ones that will buy you a drink. You don’t even want to know what the unfriendly ones might do, no, no, no.
It has no real leadership or philosophical view, though it is well populated and plenty of people live here on their owned and “armed” property. There are all sorts of creepy hostels here hiding criminals, vigilantes, predators and other exiles from the literate kingdoms. The Outskirts have no authorities and no governing body, but they are not actually in a state of chaos. They are organized by neighborhoods and each neighborhood takes care of their own, enforcing whatever laws they see fit—which is usually the bare minimum. That means, namely, if you show up with a tank everyone’s going to get together and kill you. If you come to collect the head of one witch or android, no one’s going to stop you. They figure it’s none of their business and no tourist is worth dying over.
The Pickiest Six Tavern is certainly not the only tavern in town, but it’s known for its drinks and total freedom as regards drug use. Nothing is frowned upon here and the bartenders can actually make you (you who are unwise to come here, I remind you again) a drink called “A Little Magic”, which combines almost every banned substance in all Cadabra into one glass.
Courageous and stupid tourists that make the journey out there, usually by horseback or by an old junk car from the Diamond Empire, will tell you that the best part is that the bar full of rowdy drunks will usually sing along with you if you decide to sing about how much your life sucks. Of all the places in The Outskirts, you’re probably not going to get killed here. Just don’t accidentally call anyone by a racial slur…and I do mean anyone you might see, because you are sure to see some bizarre looking people.
The Sexdactyly Harems are where all sorts of perverted sex abound in the Outskirts. Many Pinkians will come here to avoid breaking the law against prostitution, and it’s also not uncommon to see Gold Kingdom visitors as well. This is the go-to location for orgies, unnatural sex acts, and sex with practically anyone or anything you want without judgment. It makes me cringe just thinking about it.
There is a thriving sex tourism business here and with the black market demand, obviously, there are human trafficking victims here, many of which will beg you to take them home with you after giving you the full-service treatment. It’s heartbreaking to think about, especially considering how funny many of the prostitutes are. They have a talent show they put on right before they start the auction, where the prostitutes sing, dance, do imitations and make people laugh. It’s just too depressing to think about, so I think I’ll digress. Some tourists come up with the brilliant idea of trying to pull a weapon on a prostitute, not realizing that their pimps are always standing by, ready to shoot an arrow into your head at less than a moment’s notice.
In case all the heartless and abusive sex isn’t enough to deter you from The Outskirts, there are also the Torture Clubs of Hexa, which is exactly what it sounds like. Tourists with strong stomachs who have come here for journalistic purposes—or so we hope, don’t we?—say that the only way to attend this part of the Outskirts is to bring your own posse of guards, since loners and small groups are typically turned from tourist into “showcased performer” for the sickos that inhabit the area.
Witch Medium Services in Trasarenu are big, since witches and warlocks tend to congregate here, as they are legally allowed only here and in The Wilderness. They tend to live close by one another in Witch Villages, where they turn their homes into medium services and collectible stores. A good place to get a psychic reading, though it’s quite possible the witches will gyp you out of your money, or perhaps kill you if you let your guard down. Most tourists report that the witches are generally cooperative so as long as you don’t mention anything about the Literate Kingdoms. There is also a small clinic here where witch doctors can heal wounds.
Drug Tents in Seraphs Wake are scattered all over the outskirts and seemingly are run by only a handful of individuals, each of which is always scheming to overthrow the other major dealers. Not much is known about the drug trade, except that it’s thriving, and because the network of dealers and pushers is very close-knit and secretive. Usually, if people have plans to go to the Outskirts at all, it’s about sex or drugs, guaranteed.
The only thing worse than the torture, perverted sex and drug abuse going on in the Outskirts, are the Churches of Senary Road. Now I know some tourists love their church, and yes, the Churches of the Gold Kingdom, the Diamond Empire and even the Kingdom of Blood are fairly innocuous, if eccentric. But the Churches on Senary Road are notorious for ancient and brutal rituals involving snake charming, human sacrifice, magic practicing and all sorts of voodoo mumbo-jumbo. Pretty much guaranteed that if you come to worship here, you’ll be going to meet the Lord very soon.
Did I mention this place is scary? One another caution besides the creepy people you meet in public. There are rumors of very dangerous “Door to Door Salesmen” that might approach your home under the guise of selling cheap discarded products at wholesale price. No one is sure what exactly these guys are planning, but rumors abound about kidnapping, cult brain washing and ritualistic murder. It’s a claim neither confirmed or denied, which is why most people don’t bother answering their doors—unless they have a weapon in hand.
Fallout Village / The Animal Parish
(Independent Province, Managed by Private Citizens)
Ominous Warning: “Yep, that’s legal here too.”
Fallout Village, also called The Animal Parish, doesn’t have quite the reputation of the Outskirts but it’s still unnerving, to say the least. Not much is known about what resides in this place but rumors persist that it was hit pretty hard during some type of forgotten catastrophe and the people there mutated horribly into bizarre hybrid creatures.
They do tend to have some undefined relationship with the Pinkians, probably scientific experiments knowing those fellas, and also crossover into the Outskirts frequently.
Tourists report that Fallout Village, while intimidating, is not necessarily dangerous, so as long as you don’t get involved with protesting and respect the authority of local law enforcement.
The Animal Theatre has been frequently mentioned as a must-see destination, as well as a mysterious tunnel that leads to the village of Brid Town, which everyone has heard about, but of course, no one has actually seen it.
Not only should you keep your distance from mutants and hybrids, but you best not look at them too long. Some tourists have reported fainting, vomiting and going into convulsions just by staring too long at these bizarre creatures.
(Anarchist, Unmanaged Free Territory)
“There’s always a place for you here.” –Anonymous Sign Posted by Human Traffickers
Now the east mainland is even more ridiculously unsafe because that’s where the Wilderness lies. The only place in Cadabra believed to be more dangerous than The Outskirts and The Revolution Ghetto is The Wilderness, which is made up of miles and miles of unclaimed but very inhabited territories. Not only are there mutants, exiles, criminals and revolutionaries living here, but that is in addition to dangerous animals, scientific experiments gone horribly wrong, and covens of witches and warlocks that are stronger in numbers. It’s not safe for tourist by any means, and unaccompanied travel to the Wilderness is strictly forbidden by any respectable tour guide. And chances are if he does agree to take you to the Wilderness he’s probably planning to bury your lifeless body in it!
Now some kids, teenagers with no fear you know how that goes, will take that as a challenge. They trek through the wilderness thinking it’s going to be a lot of laughs. Suffice it to say, they never come back. No way to track them. Sure as heck, no authority is going to risk their own life by traveling through the Wilderness without an invite. There is no mutual respect, no peace agreement with those who linger there. What you ought to be scared of is, not the wild beasts that eat you indiscriminately, but the ones with self-awareness and intelligence that will make your death profusely unpleasant. God have mercy on the young and stupid. I at least hope they weren’t dumb enough to die a virgin, that’s for sure.
Hunting, trekking and camping are popular in The Wilderness, at least the fringes of it, but even those locations are not believed to be safe. Animals here are not only deadly, but many are believed to be intelligent, either from witchcraft or mutation, and therefore are said to inflict more sadistic acts on their victims. Ghost and demon sightings are rampant and even rumors of monsters, shapeshifters, UFOs, and gods walking among men are quickly spread. Whether all this is the result of psychedelic drug use, magic, or mutation, is unknown.
There are, strangely enough, hostels, convention centers, and even a few hotels in the deeper parts of the Wilderness, which is very strange. It’s not quite known what serves as currency in the Wilderness, but we do know it is not gold, diamonds, or any credit like in the literate kingdoms. Apparently, the Wilderness operates on a system of local trade that is not clearly understood by us on the outside.
The Wilderness is usually where the most wanted criminals of Cadabra flee, not to mentioned ousted dictators trying to avoid comeuppance. It does appear there is some form of martial law here, at least in the more populated areas.
Witch covens may well be the local authority, since they are the only organized entities in the Wilderness. However, there are also nomadic religious cults, traveling packs of intelligent creatures (all sorts of werewolves and vampires, if you believe the stories), and tribes of vicious aborigines.
Bianca Natalie is the infamous name of a notorious criminal, a heretic witch who supposedly turned on her own kind, and is now wanted by the literate kingdoms, various wealthy families, and even some witch covens who consider her a traitor. Bounty hunters are always looking for Bianca, but no one has ever found her—or at least found her and lived to brag about it.
Let’s put it this way. If you’re determined to go deep into the Wilderness of Cadabra, you’re not necessarily going to die. But you are going to meet some new people and will quickly become a part of their lives, like it or not. If you hate your old life and want to start a new and terrible existence here, all you have to do is show up!
The Revolution Ghetto
(Currently Occupied by Rebel Forces)
Warning: “You’re a long way from home princess.”
While visiting the Diamond Empire, be sure to avoid the westernmost extremities. There has been a rising underground movement known as The Revolution Ghetto, for lack of a more creative term, I guess. I figure, every revolution calls themselves The Revolution, maybe a little creativity is too much to ask?
Anyway, The Revolution is definitely not tourist friendly. In fact, they might attack you, as there have been rumors of confrontations between tourists and militant Revolutionaries. Realize, that these are very strange looking people. They don’t look like you and I. And that’s not to say they’re black, white, yellow, brown, green or blue. Rather there’s just something weird and otherworldly about their faces. Kind of gives me the creeps just thinking about them. They’re not exactly normal. And as history tells us, they’re not too likely to act normal, given their pattern of violence and horrorist acts committed against The Kingdom of Gold and the Diamond Empire.
Curiously, they don’t have much to say about the Pinkians or the Kingdom of Blood, which are so far outside of their borders, they probably figure it’s not worth the journey. I guess too many miles of travel is just demotivational, even if you’re angry about social injustice.
Now people from The Diamond Empire are not exactly normal looking either. I think you’ll understand what I mean when you see them. Heck, you can see one of them approaching a mile away, given their strange facial shapes and deep colors that just seem richer and more alien than the rest of us. But they’re not hostile. Just funny looking. The Revolutionaries can be identified by their black cloaks and sunglasses. Stay away from that part of town and you should be all right.
Not much is known about The Revolution Ghetto except that they are revolutionaries living in small and decaying buildings who plan terrorist acts as a means of weakening the Gold Kingdom and Diamond Empire. A few tourists who have boldly trespassed into unfriendly territory report that there are stores here, plenty of gas stations and electronic stores, and a sort of mini-civilization built for the exiles. However, much of the development that has taken place has been fairly recent. Needless to say, poor people congregate here and are hostile towards Literate Kingdoms, their visitors, and oftentimes tourists who they will kidnap for political leverage. Some tourists have also claimed that there is infighting among the various territories and a clashing of strategies on how to “eat the rich.”
The desperation of the people, not to mention the politically charged environment, makes it too dangerous for tourists, even when compared to the somewhat accommodating Outskirts.
The Old Island of Fen Mien I
(Unexplored Territory and Abandoned Ruins)
Advice From a Friend: “Don’t go there. Nobody goes there.”
There’s no sense trying to sneak into Cadabra through the southern mainland because there’s nothing there but old abandoned castles of the Old Kingdom, most of which are haunted I hear. Quite ghoulish places if I say so myself, just to know how many people were massacred on those lands, in those spires, and upon those cold, soulless castle walls. It’s the kind of thing that doesn’t let you sleep at night if you think too hard on it.
The Old Island of Fen Mien I is where the whole story began many years ago. Now pretty much deserted, the biggest threat here is being attacked by a wild animal or maybe even haunted by an angry spirit. The Old Magic Palace, where Fen Mien once wielded power over her five generals and a huge army, has been abandoned.
The castle still stands, as do many of the ruins of the interiors. The castle itself, and particularly near the large statue of Fen Mien herself, is believed to have some kind of curse attached to it, which gives credence to the many reports from tourists suggesting that in addition to hauntings, episodes of psychosis come and go at a moment’s notice, as if a spirit is possessing people who trespass.
Reports suggest that some tourists have gone mad just by walking around the castle or experienced miracles or heavenly visions. There are no civilizations set up here but there are very often campsites, expeditions and other groups visiting the island, at any given time of year. Some tourists come here specifically to pray to Fen Mien, quoting the old prophecy that says, “Someday Queen Fen Mien’s eyes will open and She will feel the desolation that has occurred in her name. Someday retribution will come and a woman’s scorn will rage against those who would hurt her children.”
Excited? I know I am. I can’t wait to meet you and show you around. Personal tour, just the two of us. I promise you, stick by me and you’ll be safe. Why not book a tour right now?
Got questions? We got answers! Visit the Outcast Culture page to learn more about the story, the writer’s inspiration, and the strange world of Cadabra. Or you can read about fairy tale satire and parody and how the Brothers Grimm influenced the making of this book series.