The Evil Princess

What happens when a singing fairy tale princess falls in love with a witch instead of the handsome prince she’s destined to marry? This is Mary Melancholy’s story.

 

 

Princess SHOCKS Fairy Tale Land Trading in Prince Charming for a WITCH. “I Love Her, Not Him.”

 

Breaking News: Princess betrays her family, friends and kingdom by falling in love with a WITCH instead of a prince. Authorities claim it’s not only unnatural for two females to marry Happily Ever After…but the very idea of romancing a HORRORIST witch, who is an enemy of the state, is a treasonous action. Kingdoms all over Cadabra hope Mary will do the right thing and abandon this strange “fling”, so she can grow up, fall in love with a man and get married the way princesses are supposed to do.

(22:00, Fairy Tale Time, Cadabra)-Princess Mary Melancholy, betrothed to marry the valiant Prince Aaron, has done the unthinkable.  She has fallen in love with a WITCH!  Anonymous Cadabra sources say she met the witch in the Borderlands, where witches and other demonic creatures are known to inhabit.

At this time, it is very likely that everyone has heard about the affair and sources say royalty is treating this story as REAL, verified fact, so there’s no sense in saying that it’s fake news. Mary should be held accountable and should answer to the Kingdom of Gold, the Kingdom of Blood, and her fiance Prince Aaron, whom she already agreed to marry before this act of infidelity.  We can only pray that Prince Aaron is merciful and can find a way to prevent another Cadabra-wide war.  Marriage peace treaties are not negotiable.  The people of Cadabra don’t deserve this kind of disrespect.  Lock her up!

 


Book Jacket Synopsis

(1 of 2, Slide Over One!)

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Magic Notes Cheat Sheet

 

Plot: A singing fairy tale princess falls in love with a witch instead of the prince she’s destined to marry. This is a problem because her father Satyre has just signed a marriage peace treaty with his archenemy, Amram, ending many years of bloody war. Prince Aaron is a handsome prince and an all-around nice guy. He’s the man Mary is supposed to marry, in order to save her people. What’s more important, love or responsibility?

Love Story: Lesbian

Genre: Tragic Parody, otherwise known as a mishmash of Comedy, Fantasy, Coming-of-Age Drama, Horror

Audience: Young Adults, Millennials, LGBTQ & Young At Heart Hippies, Outcasts and Outliers of Society (See Outcast Culture)

Narrator: Third Person, but a bit of a strange and opinionated old fellow

Major Themes: Religion, Atheism, Sexuality, Terrorism, Family Conflict

Motifs: Magic, Depression, God/Goddess, Class Separation

Symbols: A voodoo doll, many blue princess dresses, animal and mythological fashions

Writing Style: Antagonistic, Sarcastic, Modern Fairy Tale, Political Satire

Lead Characters: Mary Melancholy, Salem the Witch

Supporting Characters: Prince Aaron, King Satyre & Queen Lilith, King Amram and Queen Satyre, Vizier Rivulet, and a gang of talking animals

Setting: Fairy Tale Land (or “Cadabra”, specifically involving The Kingdom of Blood (East) and The Kingdom of Gold (West)

Literary Analysis: Mary Melancholy is a polarizing anti-hero. Most people like princesses with kickass heroic qualities who are loyal to their country. Mary is a self-doubting, depressed and confused girl who can’t seem to do the right thing or be happy. She doubts the existence of God or Goddess, and the God of Cadabra is a historical/mythic figure known as Fen Mien I. She wishes she could “believe in something” the way everyone else does.

Morals: Mary Melancholy represents the constant struggle to find your self-respect and confront your greatest fears, even when you are surrounded by people who don’t believe in you.

 

Characters

 

Princess Mary Melancholy

Memorable Quotes

“Ten years ago, as a child, the world made sense to me. Everybody knew what they were talking about. Everything a grownup said was true, it was fact. I listened in awe, thinking everyone was so much more intelligent and book smart than I was. Then, somewhere down the line, we all grew up. And then one day truth turned into belief. And I found out the biggest joke of all. That nobody actually knows what they’re talking about. Grownups were just big kids who knew a lot more words. Everyone just pretended that they had all the answers.

But even now as I realize this, I still find myself speechless. Afraid. Not having a clue as to what I should say or do. Part of me still feels like I should pay attention to how Great and Important People act.

They say everybody believes in something. Believing in something makes people brave. It makes people loyal. It turns good people into great people. It makes not-so-good people want to change and turn over a new leaf. Stripped of everything else, belief is the only thing a person has. And then there’s me. I’ve never believed in anything. Maybe that’s why they call me Mary the Melancholy.”

 

People Want to Know: Hey Mary, do you have any tips on being a fairy tale lesbian princess?  You know, for all the other princes and princesses thinking of coming out? 

Well…now that you mention it. Here are 10 life hacks on lesbian princesses. Hope you find it useful!

1. “Don’t randomly sing to animals in the forest. It makes people think you’re on drugs.”

2. “Meditation and the support of your friends help…but I tell you, alcohol really makes a difference.”

3. “People with evil smiles…really are kind of evil. Don’t trust them!”

4. “Don’t wear heels when wandering in the wilderness.”

5. “Your mother is always going to give you a hard time. Now that I’ve come out her whole thing is, “You don’t seem gay enough.”

6. “Expect some sword fights.”

7. “Voodoo helps.”

8. “Don’t hold your breath on Disney to make any inspirational films to help you through this difficult time.”

9. “Be very careful when using the word pussy to describe your girlfriend’s cat.”

10. “Whatever you do, don’t tell Prince Charming!”

 

Fun Facts

  • The “Good” Princess
  • Naive about people and the world
  • Has hundreds of dresses, apparently
  • Engaged to be married to a handsome prince
  • Heir to 2 kingdoms, the Kingdom of Blood (her mother and father) and The Kingdom of Gold (her in-laws)
  • A blond and a beauty
  • But majorly depressed
  • Socially Awkward
  • Has a bad habit of singing to herself – which a lot of her friends and family think is weird and unhealthy
  • Not very good at giving speeches
  • The underdog Cinderella type, who also loves blue by the way
  • She doesn’t know what she believes…in fact, she has never believed in anything

 

 

Salem the Witch

Memorable Quotes

Greetings! I’m an Evil Witch and no explanation’s necessary! You already know what’s going to happen. Terrible, terrible things! 

My hobbies include cooking children, blaspheming God, sacrificing teenagers during black mass, masquerade orgies and stealing random things because I have no morals.

Oh yes and all the other stereotypes, urban legends and murderous tales you’ve heard are absolutely true. My turn-ons include werewolves, vampires, demons and, oh yeah, Monarch Butterflies! Bwwweeheeheeheeheehee!

Aaaaand if you believe all that, then you’re just racist against witches!  Not all of us are evil you know. Some of us are just misunderstood.  None of us actually eat babies. I’m a vegetarian so I probably eat fewer babies than YOU do. 

And if you just talked to our kind once in a while rather than always trying to burn us at the stake, you might learn something.

I’m sorry if I come on too strong. It’s just my personality. My mother was Black Magic-Solitaire and my father was Warlock-Oath Breaker. I got a strong personality. I’m aggressive because it’s all I’ve ever known. My survival skills just spring up and kick my politeness skills to the curb.

And yes my animals talk. It’s the easiest spell in the book…all animals talk.  It’s just your choice whether you choose to listen. 

 

People Want to Know: “Hey Salem, are you actually a terrorist in the book since the book refers to you as a “horrorist“?

It’s hard to say because I don’t try to kill anyone unless they attack me first. But since I’m considered an enemy of the state, it’s questionable. I wouldn’t use me as a reference in a job interview. Of course, I could argue that I am merely fighting as a soldier against a corrupt institution that I was never born into, nor did I join. I prefer the term Revolutionary or Witch.  Yeah I like Witch.

 

Fun Facts

  • Evil!!!
  • Or at least, we all assume because she’s a witch
  • Swears, which is unbecoming of a lady
  • Lives in the Borderlands
  • Supposedly talks to animals and is really into voodoo
  • Has black hair and pale white skin, another sign she might be evil
  • Doesn’t seem too interested in any handsome warlocks for some reason
  • A throwback to the old days, with her Vaudeville mannerisms and a certain butch machismo.
  • She’s definitely the butch, but prefers chasing the femme princess
  • Vegetarian, but not vegan (She only drinks milk if she gets consent from the cow)
  • Salem’s tough attitude is both her strength and her weakness.
  • Even though Salem is not a bully or lout, she thinks of herself as ‘The Villain’ and overacts that role, making life twice as rough for herself.

 

 

Aaron, the Charming Prince

Memorable Quotes

“I have been dubbed The Good Prince.  Prince Charming, as it were, by many people who know of my lifestyle.

I’m glad to come and finally meet you.  I do hope the walk to our restaurant wasn’t too long.  A lady shouldn’t have to walk all day long just to be meet a prince.  Of course, with an arranged marriage you figure you’re going to paired up with an ogre.  But you are gorgeous, I must say.

When your parents have been searching for you for so many years, matchmaking, negotiating…and I have to memorize corny lines like ‘You’re a priceless treasure!  You are the most perfect of all God’s creatures!’  It’s frustrating.

Honesty is the surest test of compatibility.  If we can be honest with each other and produce an attraction, then we are capable of love.  Most of our lives we are dishonest with our friends, family and enemies.  But a soul mate demands total honesty.  That’s why it’s the most magical relationship of all.”

 

People Want to Know: “Hey Prince Aaron, how big is it?”

I’m not answering that question.

 

Fun Facts

  • The Prince famously involved in a love triangle with Mary Melancholy and Salem the Witch
  • Handsome, smart and funny!
  • Generous to the poor
  • Heir to King Amram of the Kingdom of Gold
  • Beloved by the media and most people in Cadabra for his humanitarianism
  • Idealist, Old Fashioned and the Nice Guy Who Finishes Last
  • Wants to create a better world for everyone, fall in love and live happily ever after
  • Doesn’t care about wealth or looks
  • Can’t stand disappointment, personal failure or injustice
  • A complex, damaged guy who has secrets
  • Can’t stand jerks who break hearts…he’s loyal for life!
  • A great tipper!

 

 

FAQs

Salem & Mary miniatures/figurines donated by Teeny Tiny Paintbrush

 

“Who are you people?”

The End of the Magical Kingdom 1: The Evil Princess is a book by author L. M. Warren.  It’s the “Tragic Parody” comedy-horror-fantasy book about a princess falling in love with a witch.  Future episodes are entitled, “The Saint of Science” and “The Watchmaker’s Child”.

“What is the Magical Kingdom and why is it ‘ending’?”

Ten years ago, three little princesses-in-waiting were childhood friends. In the first scene of the book, three protagonists of the story are established: Mary Melancholy, Sweet Blossom and Wendy. Notice how they interact, how they understand the concept of time passing, and realize a new generation is coming. Their parents used to believe in the ‘Magical Kingdom of Old’. But the children believe in nothing.

“Is this a fairy tale for children?”

Not really, and the story opens with a haunting image: a fairy tale princess emerging from the darkness who just so happens to be DEAD. She was once beautiful, a belle, and now limps along looking like a zombie princess from Hell.  This warns the reader of tragedy, violence and much suffering to come.

“That all sounds really gay.”

Yes, it is. For years, people have been calling for a “gay/lesbian fairy tale princess”. While that hypothetical movie may be years in the future, that doesn’t mean that we can’t use our imagination right now. Through original artwork, song lyrics, a quirky narrator and a little bit of magic, we get the definitive fairy tale musical experience, but this time reflecting our own real world and the issues that matter in the 21st century.

“So since I’m straight am I allowed to read it?”

“The End of the Magical Kingdom” series goes beyond that. This is a series that will boldly challenge the status quo of young adult and middle-grade fiction. Future books will introduce Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Questioning characters into the cartoon epic, as the struggle for freedom and happiness continues throughout the land of Cadabra.

“Why is it for 13 and up?”

This is a book that not all parents will appreciate, given the depiction of LGBTQ themes as well as themes of sex, drugs, and violence. However, this is a caricatured world that reflects our own. This series is for teenagers over the age of 13. The book comes with a warning label because of extremely violent scenes and harsh emotional intensity.  However, because there is no pornographic depiction of sex the book is technically not for Adults Only. Many in the literary industry have been asking for an official “ratings” system for literature, but nothing has happened as of yet.

“OMG am I reading porn?”

There is no explicitly erotic material in the book, however there are scenes of innuendo that might offend sensitive audiences. Even the worst scenes of violence described are left to the reader’s imagination. This is a book about dangerous ideas, not offensive content. The End of the Magical Kingdom certainly pushes the envelope for how much violence, psychological torture and sexual innuendos a writer can get away with, in a faux-fairy tale book. Some people have actually complained to author L. M. Warren that they got physically ill after reading the book. Well except for Heather Warren, who just got horny.

“Aren’t you worried about Amazon being a douchebag and censoring this book?”

There is no reason to censor this book, since sexual innuendos are commonplace in teen books – that is heterosexual activity. To discriminate against LGBTQ sex would be nothing short of discriminatory. Besides, if a child is gay, or transgender, or questioning, age is irrelevant. That’s not the sort of thing you can change, or hope he grows out of. It’s a reality that you have to deal with.

“Agent says, who’s the target audience?”

“The Evil Princess” is a book that aspires to mash up the most extreme elements of across the board fiction, from surrealism and comedy to the bleakest of drama and social criticism. The book series is not just a parody but also a caricature of humanity’s frail existence, offering readers a roller coaster ride of laughter, tears and rage. The target audience is not just LGBTQ, but outliers, anti-socials and people that don’t quite fit into modern society. It’s cool now to say on Facebook that you’re a ‘freak’ or ‘weird’ or ‘nerdy’, but the truth is most popular people don’t know what it’s like to be rejected by society, or be mocked by their peers, and to lose all self-confidence because of other people’s judgments. This is a book about not feeling connected to anyone you know, even the people who are nice to you. All of the protagonists and antagonists in the coming series have trouble relating to other people. How they get along with others, and what they do about their obstacles, is at the heart of the story.

“I hope it ends happy. All fairy tales end happy.”

It would be dishonest to only show happy endings and neatly wrap everything up by the end. It would be cowardly to avoid talking about political or religious issues that affect teens today just because it tends to bother people. There are a great number of villains in the book, and it’s not always a matter of good overcoming evil. That’s certainly not the way it works in the real world. That said, there are some happy endings in the series and some not so happy endings…just like life.

“Can I pirate this book?”

I hope not! Come on, L.M. Warren is a cheap date and will tell you a great story for the price of a non-alcoholic drink. But on the subject, did you know L. M. Warren is a worthless drunkard in real life? Surprising, right? Read all about it at the Author page.

“Who is the artist behind all those amazing tri-color portrait covers?”

Sebastian Sabo, a great talent.

“Was the book was originally designed to be a full-length animated musical?

Yes. L. M. Warren kind of postponed that when he found out how fucking hard and expensive that was. He originally asked a talented musician to help him write the music if he wrote the lyrics. The musician shall remain anonymous. Anyway, Nick then said he couldn’t work with the lyrics and then asked his pothead acquaintance from an anonymous and questionably-talented band if they could help develop the music. The bandleader was so stoned out of her mind she literally ate the sheet music and then masturbated with Nick’s cell phone, which contained part of the conversation with Warren. Needless to say, the idea was scrapped. The was originally intended to be one movie, then one book, but things kind of got out of hand with three giant books.

 

Read the Book!

 

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“Gut-splitting hilarious fun… laced through with allegory and social satire that leaves you laughing out loud.”
-Karla Fetrow, Author, The Icelandic Accord

“WOW! Just Wow! The plot was amazing and you had me panting and holding my breath and sitting on the edge of my seat. I see this as a movie!”  
-Jennifer Lawson Perez, Author, Anastasia and the Cuban

“L. M. Warren is an author I can recommend whole-heartedley. He is a must read for we who love great literature!”
-Richard Fulgham, Author, The Hogs of Cold Harbor

“I gave this book 4 stars because it not only held my attention, but challenged me, sometimes frustrated me and ultimately made me talk about what I was reading with non-readers.”
-Grainne Rhuad, Editor

“Absolutely brilliant! Raunchy and shocking enough to establish a train wreck or deer caught in headlights effect.” 
-Nick Upperman, Comedian

“4.5 out of 5 stars. one of the strangest books I have ever read. Satirical, snarky and sassy. ‘Yes Jenn but is there a message?’ I have not a single clue.”
-Jenn, Goodreads

“Different, funny, sweet, I loved this book. I hope it continues.”
-Alisha, Scribd

The rules of being a fairy tale princess are simple:

1. Always overdress.
2. Always play to win.
3. Share with those less fortunate.
4. Stay true to yourself.
5. And for heaven’s sake NEVER fall in love with a WITCH!

Princess Mary Melancholy has no idea how to be happy. Self-conscious and socially awkward, all she really wants is to believe in something the way everyone else does. Her royal troubles abound since she’s engaged to be married as part of a peace treaty between two warring kings and has a weird habit of singing out in public.

Mary meets a witch named Salem who is cantankerous, bawdy and banned from the land because of her Evil intentions. But when Salem accidentally kisses the princess and they both feel a spark of attraction, a forbidden romance begins that threatens the future of two kingdoms.

Will Mary choose love and scandalize the family as The Evil Princess or accept responsibility and protect her people? This lesbian fairy tale is an Anti-Disney parody of conflicted feels.

This is Book 1 in L. M. Warren’s “The End of the Magical Kingdom”, an interrelated series of books encompassing four kingdoms and seven provinces in the cartoony land of Cadabra. This mishmash millennial book series has been called a “Tragic Parody”. It combines Disney fairy tale parody with psychological horror, coming-of-age LGBTQ drama and Shakespearean tragedy.

“So a Princess Falls in Love with a Witch…”

Why does the princess always have to fall in love with the prince? For that matter, why does the proverbial singing fairy tale princess have to fall in love with a man at all? The premise of “The End of the Magical Kingdom” is a princess (a parody of a ditsy Disney princess) realizing her true identity when she falls in love with a beautiful witch named Salem. A princess-witch romance ensues which causes a controversy in the fictional island of “Cadabra”.

The story really takes off when the kingdoms around her react to her decision to forgo Happily Ever After and to pursue romance with a witch instead. The witch is viewed as the fairy tale equivalent of a terrorist (or “horrorist”) which only makes matters worse, since she is an outcast of “civilized society” and doesn’t follow any leader or established kingdom.

The allegorical book series is not only a parody of singing fairy tale romances and love cliches, but also a fierce commentary on political and religious issues that matter today. On the surface, it is about LGBTQIA rights, but the layers of the story reveal some subversive political criticisms, especially with follow up books in the series named curiously, “The Saint of Science”, and “The Watchmaker’s Child”, which are about other Cadabra princesses facing similar circumstances. This princess-witch romance was inspired by The Brothers Grimm, Animal Farm, and the old TV series “SOAP”.

The wild mix of literature, genre and fanfiction is sure to make for a surreal reading experience. Too funny to be serious, too dramatic and disturbing to be a comedy, it’s a roller coaster ride into a caricatured world that mirrors our own.

Although “The End of the Magical Kingdom 1: The Evil Princess” is not an age-restricted book, the story contains adult subject matter, disturbing violence and harsh emotional intensity. Discretion is advised for readers under the age of 13.

 


Continue on in the series with The Saint of Science.

Confused about the Kingdom of who and the Kingdom of what?  You won’t be after consulting our Cadabra Island Travel Guide, a Wiki page that includes maps, kingdom descriptions and tour concierge tips for staying alive as you enjoy your dangerously unsafe wonderful adventure touring Cadabra Island. You’ll learn all about staying in the wonderful Kingdom of Gold, the amazing Diamond Empire, the majestic Commonwealth of the Pink Sky, and…all the other places, if you must know.

You can also read Karla Fetrow‘s literary review of episode 1 at Subversify.