Cry on Cue

Cry on Cue 16

Genre: Experimental / Parody

Rating: R

Audience: Adult and Preferably Insane

Category: Anti-Chick-Lit

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Free Anti-Chick-Lit Book

Do you hate chick-lit? Do you hate therapy? When people describe antisocial disorder do you think, “Wow, I just met my soul mate”? If you checked off yes to any of these questions, then Floren Felvturn’s anti chick-lit autobiography Cry On Cue is just the downer you’ve been craving.

Floren Felvturn, a virginal nymphomaniac, has come forward to tell her unflattering and bizarre life story to author and editor Mitchell Warren. Floren details her court-ordered therapy sessions, recounts her lost friendships with complete psychos, and confesses a secret so horrifying it could set postmodern feminism back 1000 years.

Mitchell Warren was somehow able to take hundreds of hours of Floren’s insane rambling, traumatic memories, and manic delusions and develop them into a semi-coherent adults-only book with a message. The end result is a tragic parody about love, life and the secrets we hide all in the name of sanity.

Warning: This book is strictly of the love-it or hate-it variety. It contains graphic language, horrific subject matter and scenes of perverse nihilism. Oh yeah and sex too.

 

The Rules of Chick-Lit

1. The protagonist must be likable.
2. Should feature an urban, post-feminist woman balancing a career with romance.
3. The characters must be familiar and act in identifiable (read: mentally balanced) ways.
4. Humor should be quirky and sarcastic but not overly caustic and purposely distasteful.
5. No gruesome deaths or horrific subject matter.
6. Protagonist(s) should not attempt murder.
7. Protagonist(s) should not assault law enforcement officials.
8. Protagonist(s) should not then try to solicit sex to the assaulted officer.
9. Nor should protagonist(s) then offer the assaulted officer charity sex.
10. Protagonist(s) should take their court-ordered therapy seriously & not call their doctors names.
11. Like “nob jockey” or “Big Little Man In A Boat.”
12. None of this should happen–especially in the first chapter of the book.
13. No incessant swearing.
14. Sex scenes should be tasteful and not insanely over the top or needlessly offensive.
15. No strange, alien words or obscure British obscenities.
16. No gratuitous references to hamsters.
17. Story should end on a grandly romantic note, one that tells the beauty of life and love.
18. Like a wedding or a cathartic cry between family members.
19. Story should not end with an act of indecency, in broad daylight, in the front seat of a Jeep

Cry on Cue WarrenWarren on Floren

“In the literary sense, it is my book. I structured the book, I wrote a lot of the words and ensured that the jumping narratives flowed together smoothly and were always closely connected so as to be understood. However, Floren deserves the credit as far as the byline goes. It’s her story, a great deal of it is her life.

Obviously that collection, unedited would have been unmarketable and hardly readable. Not because it wasn’t interesting. More like, it was just too interesting. Too much for a reader to digest. Floren is mentally ill and possibly sociopathic. She may well have a psychological condition that doctors have not discovered yet. Not to be rude or anything, but any man who marries her would kill himself slowly–not even quickly. The woman is unbearable to be around for any length of time.

That said, I still found her interesting in that science lab gawking sort of way.  So one of my assignments was to make this strange, impenetrable story written by a mad woman somewhat readable and understandable for a mainstream audience.

I don’t know if I meant it to evolve into this James Joyce-esque cataclysm of vitriol and parody, but the more the story pressed on, the more Floren’s insanity affected the narrative. She has no concept of time, even as a real person, so the book flows in this sort of surreal heavenly escapade…you know if heaven were fill of dildos.  Er, don’t quote me on that. I think Floren’s psychotic view of life also influenced my writing, even down to the strange words in the book…which very often make no sense. It is an authentic book, if nothing else.

What I liked most about this creative challenge was the chance to write an anti chick-lit book. That is, a romantic comedy, but one that the destroys the values of a traditional romance novel. A horror story crashing a chick lit novel is what it amounted to.

It’s not a literary novel like Attempted Rapture or a  mishmash adventure like The Evil Princess. It’s a troll book that tortures its audience and satirizes everything we hold sacred, from religion to psychiatry, to writing, to feminism, and of course Love. Basically an optimistic nihilist book.”

Feeling rage because of the insolence of these characters? Why not have a laugh? Visit the Urban Legends page to read absurd rumors and even crazier truths about L. M. Warren’s books or learn about Floren’s hyperreality, if you must. Or, if you’re in the mood for a book that actually makes sense and is about life and such, check out Attempted Rapture.