Author Interviews

Starting in 2004, with the first interview, and progressing to 2019, we see a young man’s gradual descent into midlife crisis and eventually madness.

Original Interview with Late Mitchell Warren, 2004, Attempted Rapture Release

riginal collector’s item covers. Sent in by fan. Not sure why one has blood all over it.

Sitting languidly on an uncomfortably firm chair, surrounded by shelves of world-renowned bestsellers and critically lauded masterpieces in the local White Settlement library, Mitchell Warren prepares for what he calls “hell on earth” — or, according to others, his first civilized interview for Attempted Rapture. Hiding his face from the world but firing his vicious eyes between fingers at the one that dares to ask questions, the anti-social Warren finally begins to hold eye contact and converse like a normal human being. His demeanor, a panicky yet theatrical mess of simulated human emotions, screams unprofessional applicant as loudly as does his attire: arrayed in silky black from head to foot, with a black beret hardly covering his wild hair. Before one could assume Warren has a rough exterior but a sweet soul underneath, he begins to spew out bizarre witticisms produced somewhere between true wisdom and total insanity with little explanation.”I’m sure you are a genuine and pure person, but I simply hate the communicative process. I consider professional interviews little more than emotional gang-rape. You’re asking questions you really don’t care about, at the sexual prodding of someone else.”

With little or no attention to the bewilderment written on my face, Warren continues to expound on life and the unwillingness of the human spirit. “I admire words and writing and people’s wisdom documented on paper. But the sights of shelves and the thousands of books you see at every turn I find very depressing.” With his hands flailing about and his eyes darting around the room like exploring hummingbirds, Warren has no problem explaining the transparent reality of anything and the pessimistic fate of everything that is contained in the world. But the one topic of conversation that he purposely seems to avoid is the true, personal reality of Mitchell Warren. And much to his chagrin, it is the topic of this sit down interview.

(Though the author often feels the need to stand up and proclaim dogma at any given moment) After being purchased a Coke (to which he replies sourly, “Not spiked with anything, I see.”) and a chocolate bar (“Ah, frozen love in its truest form”) by his interviewer, Warren starts to open up about his creative life and times, slowly and steadily.

QU: According to your website, you were originally going to be a minister, following in the steps of your father. What happened? Why did you forsake that life?

MW: Well, I don’t consider my decision of leaving that career to be forsaking God in any way. I believe that we as human beings are not at all able to comprehend what God is thinking, or what his specific will for us is. Life is like a novel that one must read to its completion and only then figure out the ultimate mystery behind each character. If you figure out the ending of a book halfway through, you lose interest anyway.

QU: But why specifically did you leave that course? Did something happen?

MW: Many things happened over a period of time. The heart is a very deceptive organ. Not only your heart but hearts of other men and women. The heart is naive and if educated constantly as regards anything, truth or falsity, it will be convinced and you will lose control over your own rational mind.

QU: So are saying that you disagreed with a lot of the teachings that you grew up with?

MW: I wouldn’t say I disagreed with them. I think any thinking person reaches a point in their life where they question reality and boundaries. Or even if they don’t question basic teachings, they attempt to transcend certain expectations of what a moral person is supposed to be. In that spirit, various important ones from church got together and decided that that I would be a dangerous leader if I were to progress further, and that I was not quite meeting the qualifications of a minister.

QU: Would you say you gave up the fight?

MW: (Pauses) I think I would say, I woke up and realized there was no fight. If God decided I wasn’t fit for leading people to salvation, whom am I to argue? I am content just wandering through the wilderness looking for signs of life.

QU: Do you think these experiences left you resentful? Or even, forgive me for saying, slightly damaged in your reasoning?

MW: I never argue with anyone who implies I’m slightly bonkers. But I always believe the maddest among us all are the ones who refuse to admit their own partial insanity. The human race is mad. We send people to the moon, we kill each other in war because we’re ordered to, we produce automobiles and toy micro-automobiles, and we have sex with all sorts of other people for no other reason except so we can define what “true love” really means. We’re all crazy.

QU: Have you ever had a stable relationship with a lover?

MW: All the relationships I’ve had have ended terribly. Usually of the unrequited kind. The faces of the women I have lost, the ones that got away, I am still haunted by every waking moment. Thus, I am in no great hurry to find a transparent woman and insert myself into her translucent existence for no other reason except for the sake of my sexual well being. I find my current celibacy to be miserable, and misery, I believe in my case, leads to more fertile creativity. You see, life balances out in that ironic way. All of life and all of your emotions and triumphs and moral losses amount to nothing but mathematics.

QU: (Long pause) Okay. Do you consider the book to be obscene or sacrilegious? And why so? What is contained in the book that would offend any particular reader?

MW: I never wrote the book intending it to be obscene or sacrilegious. When you do that, you limit yourself. You’ll be saying, “I am going to write a book to offend God and Christians.” And yet that’s all you’ll be doing, and you will not be challenging yourself or any of your readers. You must advance as a writer. Surpass boundaries and escape limits, not simply tread over the mud just because you can.

QU: Are you afraid of eternal damnation?

MW: (Pauses) I would say that I hope God forgives me for Attempted Rapture.

QU: So you do feel some guilt over writing the book?

MW: As a parent, the novel being my child, I feel some regret over the decisions the child foolishly makes.

QU: You lost me there.

MW: I figured I would.

QU: How will your readers ever know what you look like?

MW: I look vaguely like the Hal Persill character only some years older. So they would have to use their imagination. Obviously, if they would ever see me at book signing or during an interview, the mystery would be over. But to post a picture of myself on a public website or on the book jacket, I think would be a risk.

QU: Let’s talk about what “unpublishable” means. You stated before that you feel Attempted Rapture is an unpublishable novel. What does this mean?

MW: It’s a story that no mainstream publisher would want to touch. Mainstream publishers buy formulas, not pieces of original art. For one thing, the style of writing is very experimental. I pride myself on breaking the rules of traditional writing. Therefore, I probably appear Satanic to most book publishers who are very keen on new writers mindlessly following propriety. I’ve never had a desire to kiss a man’s ass, and to sell out to the corporate mentality would be something distasteful. Why write a story to please one editor if I hate compromising? Because I can? I really don’t care what people think of me, since a man’s opinion is cheaper than toilet paper and just as prevalent as the stuff toilet paper was invented for.
QU: How about the story itself? Is it hard to follow or explain?

MW: Hard to follow, I don’t think so. To explain, perhaps. The story is an abstract painting of words. People will see different things in the book, and the meaning of it will vary greatly from one person to the next. We all have different backgrounds and appreciate art differently. If you want to get all philosophical, you could even say that there is no such thing as true brilliance in creativity. Your writing, with all of its artistic achievements, is something to be defined by individuals who study it and who are willing to share an opinion. Greatness in literature is only determined by how many people actually relate to the story we’re telling, or are moved by the material, based on the emotions we as authors elicit from them. Whether one person or half the world sympathizes with your work, is not really a universal issue. All of life as we know it is a painting, or a dream, open to interpretation.

QU: How then do you interpret Attempted Rapture? Particularly the ending of the book, which is borderline esoteric, and that will no doubt challenge or even provoke many readers.

MW: I can’t comment too much on the ending, since it is important to keep the final pages a secret until the book’s release. All I can say is that to me personally, the ending of the book was not on the last few pages as is traditionally expected. Rather, it was the preceding pages right before the conclusion. We feel a great sense of loss at that point in time, and I think that’s what the book meant to me. Not necessarily the ultimate conclusion that could be called esoteric.

QU: You stated on the back cover that you felt the story was allegorical and religiously symbolic. Give some examples of this

MW: Well I wrote it to be very multi-layered. I wrote every scene two or three times over, and put some more significance into each happening as I went along. I wanted every seemingly insignificant word, every sentence, every single instance to be about something else, and about something else, and finally about something even deeper and more abstract than we can explain. I feel the three main characters, as well as the supporting cast, represent more than just their names. I do feel in many ways that Hal Persill represents mankind. I also believe Amara and Anne respectively represent something larger than just two human sisters. To some extent, the book follows the pattern of humankind’s loss of innocence paralleled from the Garden of Eden. Sanctuary to temptation, temptation to death. Lastly, from death to redemption or judgment, which is the final journey.

QU: All this talk about religious symbolism and redemption might paint to your readers the wrong idea about the book. You must remind your audience that it is indeed a satire. One part moralizing drama, the other half a caustic parody of Southern Fiction.

MW: I never wanted to define it as a comedy or as a drama. It was an experimental novel, because it stubbornly refused to be categorized as either one. I chose Southern Fiction as the genre, well knowing the category was misleading. Yes, it takes place in the south, but the book’s heart is far removed from easy-going, positive-thinking country folk.

QU: Phrases like “southern fiction” or even “comedy” don’t begin to warn readers of certain scenes in the book that are so outrageous…

MW: Right.

QU: Even provocative. There are some scenes in the book, that for a time, you wondered if your publishing company would even allow in a traditionally published novel. Most of the scenes in question, we can’t even describe on a G-rated website such as this. But just to jog your memory, “The Good Samaritan Scene”? “The Shopping For A Used Car Scene”? “The Alex And His Angel Scene?” These are moments in your book that are not only sexual in nature, but also so blasphemous, if not to God, then to the standards of what you are supposed to read in mainstream works of fiction. There are moments in the book that are so shocking, that you stop reading, look up and ask, “Did Warren just write that? Did I read that correctly or…?” How in the world do you reconcile such comedic, reader-teasing moments like that with the other half of the book, which you claim is religious symbolism?

MW: Life is irreverent. Our lives are funny and sad and shocking all at the same time. When you write just a drama or just a comedy, you are writing artificiality. You’re not writing about life the way it really is. Life is an experimental novel, a bizarre concoction of every positive and negative emotion, every victory and mistake and every moment miserable or ecstatic.

QU: What was your inspiration in writing this book?

MW: A nightmare I had while I was awake. A nightmare, not of images but of feelings. And an indescribable fear of something, not hideous, but human. The epiphany that man one day realizes, that he has equal capacity for good or evil. He has such overwhelming power, and the potential to change the world if only he sets his mind to it. And what will be among the remains after a man’s will is accomplished? Heaven help us all.

QU: What is happiness to Mitchell Warren?

MW: I am still attempting to define it. At this point, I am leaning towards the philosophy that happiness is a willingness to die. We spend the majority of our lives fearing death and escaping danger. But when we reach that point in our minds, whether through religious convictions, marital bliss, or material paradise, where we no longer fear death and have finally realized the ideal life, the pinnacle of our individualized existence, happiness finds us.

QU: And in closing, what do you want your audience to know about Attempted Rapture?

MW: It awaits its judgment. Your audience ultimately decided the fate of your children. Personally, I feel it is my greatest work. In the future, I’ll probably write more mainstream stories that will appeal to wider audiences. But even if I ever win the Pulitzer Prize in my twilight years, this is the story I will remember most prominently in my dying breath. It has been the most traumatic and challenging work in terms of everything. I do feel the book has stolen some of my trust, my innocence and my faith. Whether or not I ever become happy and well adjusted in life following the emotional bloodletting I’ve brought on myself is another matter. But for the time being, I feel as if I’ve bled onto every page of the book, thus I cannot consider any part of my soul gratuitously lost.

QU: Thank you for this interview, Mister Warren. Now that wasn’t so bad, was it?

MW: One of the more harrowing experiences of my life. But thankfully I have come out of it unscathed. Thank your eyes for meeting mine and let’s meet again someday.

“OR CRY TRYING” 2005 An Interview With Dame Floren Felvturn (and some goof named Warren)

It was an unbearably dreary day for Floren Felvturn. Her flight had been delayed, luggage was misplaced, and premenstrual cramps were working their magic on the ultra-loving Madame with spite. And then just as she quipped that things couldn’t get any worse or her long wait become any more tedious, there Mitchell Warren seated himself, inches away from Floren’s heart with the worst possible question on his mind.

“I hate chick lit,” groused Warren to a total stranger, but one that he considered pretty enough to complain to.

Floren lowered her brow, gritted her teeth and replied with a taunting grin. “Do you? Why is that? Misogyny or simply a case of ennui?”

And from those humble beginnings came the demon spawned Cry On Cue, arguably one of the most scathing exercises in literary criticism and social satire the publishing world has ever seen. From those humble beginnings until today, Floren Felvturn has always considered Mitchell Warren the most miserable, dissatisfied, insufferable human being ever mistakenly born and allowed to enjoy the wonderful gait that is called life. She says having an intellectual conversation with Warren is comparable to being viciously beaten to death by joyful Christians, and to flirt with Warren as a sexual being is such a bizarre experience, it must be on the same level as seducing a catatonic.

Yet, for all her personal criticisms, Floren never once doubted that Warren was the one and only writer worthy to turn her personal story and rambling memoirs into a coherent and marketable novel. For the first of two interviews, Webmaster Sara J. Lamb interviewed both writer and “editor” regarding the book as well as their strange, indefinable relationship that is at the heart of Cry On Cue’s ultimate mystery.

SL: First of all, I’m obviously sitting here, talking to two different people. So yes, Floren Felvturn is a real person. But I need an honest answer, guys. Is Cry On Cue Floren or Mitchell’s book? MW: In the literary sense, it is my book. I structured the book, I wrote a lot of the words and ensured that the jumping narratives flowed together smoothly and were always closely connected so as to be understood. However, Floren deserves the credit as far as the byline goes. It’s her story, a great deal of it is her life.

FF: And yes, as Master Warren Bubba confessed with contempt, not all of the book is one hundred percent truth. I took some liberties and added an inordinate amount of sexual content for my perverted amusement. And Mitchell’s as well. The [scene] in the Jeep had Mitchy boy racing like a blue-arsed fly.

SL: Now is as good a time as any. Mitchell, what do you think of the many obscure colloquialisms Floren uses? Will they affect the mainstream marketability of the book?

MW: Again, that was one of the things I ensured as an editor. Whereas Floren’s original source material, that being her poems, scribblings and oral stories–

FF: I have a bevy of “oral stories”, babe.

MW: Right. (Laughs) Obviously that collection, unedited would have been unmarketable and hardly readable. Not because it wasn’t interesting. More like, it was just too interesting. Too much for a reader to digest. So one of my assignments was to make this strange, impenetrable novel readable and understandable for a mainstream audience.

SL: But would you still classify this book as an experimental novel?

MW: Absolutely. There are some shocking moments in this book that will really test readers and obviously, some of the aesthetic techniques would also challenge traditional publishers and literary agents who are, of course, only interested in the safest kind of mainstream available.

SL: How much of this book is based on your life experience?

FF: A great deal of it is based on truth. I admit this, I do, that there is one act in the book, that is, very obviously, symbolism. And without giving the whole shagging thing away, it is the most memorable sequence in the book. So there will be no gratuitous head scratching. It is patently clear, in the end. But for the most part, yes, it is true. It is my life, and it smells like Tuna sometimes, but eat it anyway, Deacon.

MW: “Ahem”. Anyway, I would suggest that while the story is based on truth, there are also some moments of the surreal that go along with the anti chick-lit campaign.

SL: So if you had to choose a percentage…would you say at least 75% of the story is fact?

FF: I say 69% is fact.

SL: Okay then. Be honest now. The whole biography of Floren Felvturn is exaggerated, isn’t it? You’re telling people you were a nymphomaniac who went around propositioning all sorts of men and never got “lucky.” That has to be a liberty taken.

FF: There was a time in my life when I was very dischuffed. In my youth. Now did I exaggerate real events? Naturally. And the bugger Mitchell used his own exaggerations with the word usage. I feel no need to convey to divvys what parts are real or fake. Breasts and traumatic pasts are two difficult subjects you should be weary of inquiring on

MW: Remember now. This is an experimental novel. Not a memoir or a work of nonfiction. After knowing that, a person can draw their own conclusions as to what is real or what is illusion.

SL: Floren, you’ve made it clear how sad and unlucky your youth was. Have you finally found love and lost your virginity?

FF: I have misplaced my cherry! Have you seen it rolling about on the ground? It is mine! Step lightly! I need to stuff the little glob back in! Yes, I am happy to say that I have found love in its purest form and am now living happily ever after with ten non-aborted children and a picket fence. Since I have reverted back to Catholicism, I no longer use birth control and shoot unwanted babies out of me like a vending machine. Whenever my BF or FB, whichever term you prefer, walks around the house he is literally stepping on children’s arms and feet. It is quite sad, really.

MW: In case you can’t discern sarcasm.

SL: I can, believe it or not.

FF: I have found love, yes I would say that. And it was not with Mitchell Warren! Hard to fathom. I can only imagine shagging such a disturbed and pessimistic creature would be a very unique and disconcerting experience. Would you wear your hat while we did it? When you c___ Mitchy baby, do you actually bring yourself to smile and show teeth saying, (imitating Mitchell’s grousing in heat) “Hey what do you know? This is all right. I guess I’m feeling okay. Ah, this is interesting. Hmm, life is not such a dismal experience after all.”

MW: All right, Floren.

SL: (Laughs) So now is a good time to touch upon the antagonistic relationship that lies between you two. When did this begin? The story of how you two met differs greatly from the “story” of Merrill Janeen (Jaded_Sapphira) and The Late Mitchell Warren of Attempted Rapture fame. Care to explain?

MW: Well, obviously that whole thing was a work. We were just starting “The Publish America Show” and wanted to parody a lot of the avenues of self publishing and traditional publishing. And so the idea of writing forums came to me, and how seriously writers all take meaningless and endless debate. So I started “The Cult Of Mitchell Warren” forum as a parody. Floren was already helping me on some of the writing for The Publish America Show” and so then we had an idea to do a spoof of the typical “flamer” on writing forums. That is someone who just pops up out of nowhere and starts creating conflict. So we had our back and forth moments where we insulted each other. Some thought we took it too far, whereas Floren and I thought it was just hilarious. And then the topper of course, was when Floren played Merrill at the Publish America review page and sabotaged all of the pages with negative reviews. I thought it was hilarious and anarchic. I think Publish America did too, which explain why they never censored any of it. Controversy sells. Besides, no one reads The PA Reviews page anyway, so we were just having some fun with it.

FF: And I as have stated in explicit detail, and I state everything explicitly in case you haven’t f___ing noticed, a lot of my spiteful messages to Mitchell were improvised and deep from within the heart. It is so easy to spew malicious hate for a man so dreadfully incorrigible as Mitch.

SL: Mitchell, do you consider Cry On Cue to be your second work, as a successor to Attempted Rapture or is it a completely different story?

MW: I think in many ways it complements Rapture nicely. I don’t think Cry On Cue is as disturbing or graphic as Rapture. But that doesn’t say much, because Cry On Cue is still more feral than ninety-percent of the books out there.

SL: Anything to say about Attempted Rapture? If you talk about an anarchic marketing campaign, that has to go down in the record books.

MW: Absolutely. I think Rapture’s marketing campaign was truly ahead of its time. And no doubt Publish America deserves a lot of credit for preserving artistic integrity. Virtually everything I asked for was put into the manuscript. Also as regards the content, I don’t think any traditional publisher or even some POD companies would have allowed some of the adult subject matter in the final draft. From the very beginning Rapture was a book that dared to be censored by the publishing world, one that asked for trouble, and one that not surprisingly met with a lot of opposition upon its release. Who knows, if not for Publish America, Rapture may have never seen the light of day. No other book publisher, traditional or print on demand, would have allowed such a willfully offensive, artistically hazardous and “unpublishable” book to be released under their name. To this day, to read the banned Rapture is an amazing experience as buyers of the book have told me.

FF: Wow, Mitchell. That is so interesting. And now, will you please tell us about the size of your Hampton wick? Since this interview is all about you and your intricacies.

MW: I digress. Let’s get back to Floren.

SL: Is Publish America publishing Cry On Cue?

MW: Sorry, Floren. The next question is yours. PA and I could not come to an agreement. So this book will be released under the name of a different publisher.

SL: Interesting. Do you think The Publish America Show might have had something to do with that?

MW: Very possible. (Laughs) But I regret nothing.

SL: Floren, what was your inspiration in writing this book?

FF: My best friend Paula. Also, my coy nod to optimism and wishful thinking. Never had a place for them in my life, until more recent times. I think after a person experiences amazing sex on a consistent basis it helps with some of the hangin’ turmoil brewing inside. Case in point, I could never attempt to tell my story until I got banged up by a funny looking bloke. Sex is surprisingly not overrated. It really is the best thing since sliced bread.

MW: Well, I guess I wouldn’t know.

FF: (Laughs hard) What do you say, for an exclusive to this website, I will give you a free knobbing. Just so you will shut up once and for all and stop being a moaning Minnie.

MW: Please don’t. (Laughs) Some things are better left to the imagination.

SL: Why is this book described as an Anti Chick-Lit book?

FF: I believe there is an audience for this sort of book. That Is, both men and women that are tired of reading predictable novels about typical female protagonists and their G-rated, approved by standards & practices, traditionally supervised foibles. I and Mitchell both agreed the first day we met that most romance novels, or even literary novels with strong female protagonists, rarely even take any artistic risks. Everything is so idealized and squity and is written for money not for creativity’s sake.

MW: Pardon me. Did you say squity? I know what that means. You didn’t use it correctly.

FF: Spit out your dummy, Master Warren Bubba.

MW: (Laughs) You have to listen to her sometimes. I swear she should still be in therapy. But yeah, I agree that I wanted to write an anti chick-lit book-a book about women but one that the destroys values of a typical romance novel. Also a book about a strong willed woman but one that would also appeal to men. Then I met Floren and she told me more than I ever wanted to know about her personal life-

FF: (Laughs) The dangleberries, the face-fungus, the sweet dutch oven moments…

MW: (Laughs) That doesn’t work anymore, babe. I know what it means.

SL: Finally to both of you. What is happiness to Mitchell Warren and Floren Felvturn?

MW: Happiness cannot be defined. It is only to be felt.

FF: A Spam-Javelin at the Olympics. No, no. Joshing, joshing. Sit down, Mitchell. I would have to say like I do in the book, “Oi Oi savaloy, chillax and relax! If only we were to look a little closer at every trifle, we would find that love besieges us-that there is no escaping such a wonderful thing.”

SL: I’m sure everyone feels the same way. In their own manner of speaking.

Follow Up Interview with Late Mitchell Warren, 2006, Song of Solomon Failure

In The Song Of Solomon, experimental novelist Mitchell Warren paints a radical new portrait of King Solomon, following the life of the legendary king not only during his early reign, not only towards the end of his luxurious kingdom, but even some two thousand  years into his distant future, where King Solomon’s reincarnated self continues to  pontificate.

The spiritual journey the author takes us on is an uncomfortable one, filled with great passion and aching truth. Solomon is not only detailed in the work but violated; his psyche is invaded, his innermost thoughts revealed and his ultimate mystery solved.  Even while Solomon desperately tries to confound us with existential questions, the riddle we finally answer is the King’s own: If Solomon really did gain the world at the end of his reign then what, in the beginning, caused him to lose his soul?

Warren has repeatedly said that this book will never be released. He has admitted only two copies were ever made and that both have disappeared. He regrets their release and hopes they have been or will be destroyed before they cause “serious damage.”

One book was given to his relative but later misplaced and lost forever. The other book was last seen in California but could literally be anywhere in the world at this point. One source states that the book makes no sense and might well be incomprehensible to human beings.

“The Song of Solomon will never be released in my lifetime. I might release it 100 years after I die. The Song of Solomon destroyed three previous relationships of mine. It is a book that ruins lives. Both my parents stopped reading it a quarter of a way through because they said it was too depressing. Who knows what might have happened if they had finished? Why am I mentioning this then? Because I am building anticipation for the 100 year anniversary re-release in 2116.”

“Greetings, I am King Solomon of Israel.  I, the king of all Israel, kindly ask for your undivided attention.  This I ask kindly now, whereas in generations past I had only to lift my arm and my whole kingdom would stand in adulation.  It has been an arduous experience to adjust to the twenty-first century and become acquainted with the English language, as well as “American” culture. The dominance of the Anglo-American race has been difficult to accept as well. I was of the tribe of Judah, the chosen people of God, an Israelite with lineage linked all the way from Abraham to my father King David and  even to the one called Christ.  Today, you attach the term “Jew” to many men of similar ethnic background.  But we first originated from the two tribe kingdom of Judah, the divinely approved nation of God.
Yes, I have been called the greatest king in the history of mankind.  Books have been written in Hebrew, Greek and English as well as many other languages detailing my riches and wealth.  Furthermore, countless numbers of people have heard of my wisdom.  They have read the Proverbs, the Psalms and the Ecclesiastes.  Why many people alive today remember my sayings by heart, the ones inspired of God.  I was even poorly portrayed by the actor known as Yul Brynner in a movie based on my affair with Sheba in the year 1959.

The truth of the matter is this: every man, woman and baby knows who I am, what I was, and what my name signifies.  But they do not understand the underlying story.  They do not comprehend the truth of what I have written.  They know of my reign and the great things I accomplished while alive on earth.  But they, and even you, do not know my heart, nor do you hear my one superlative song playing in its flawless melody.

O, but you wonder not of such contemplative things.  Only the vanities of the surface concern you.  The stubborn minded questions, like how is King Solomon, though deceased in the flesh for nearly three millenniums, speaking to us today?  Cannot a King in spirit communicate through the world wide web just as a living man does?  Can the man who is limited in form exceed the abilities of one who is shapeless and without physical law?  Have confidence in your King, that even while in death he continues to instruct you from beyond Sheol.

After you dismiss the peripheral thoughts of men such as, “How is the King alive but dead?”, you will then move on to the next cluster of fairly obvious questionings like, “Where has the King gone, if he is truly still alive?” Has he been resurrected, as my own descendants would say?  Or has he been caught away to heaven at the request of the Father, The Son and the Holy Spirit of Christianity?  Has he been reincarnated into the body of a sheep, and has his Jiva and soul survived death as the Hindus say?  Perhaps his sins been forgiven by Allah and is he now resting in Jannah?  This is the truth of the matter: It matters not where his body is or from where his thoughts do emanate.

What truly matters is that you are, at last, listening to my words.  Somehow a communication between our minds has been established that defies the concept of shape and distance.  The message I have is being delivered clearly, in a timeless, sempiternal way.

And what is this message, you ask?  What is the significance behind my Song Of Songs and what does it really mean for all of you?  I will not answer the question you seek.  Rather, I will present to you a riddle.  A mystery that you alone must solve.  For in your solving of it, you will have taken the very wisdom of Solomon and deposited it in your own heart.

While giving sacrificing in Gibeon, Adonai appeared to me in a dream by night.  I knew he was willfully exerting pressure upon me.  I, a young boy barely prepared for any responsibility much less that of an entire kingdom, what was I to say?  Surely He would scrutinize my answer and judge me strictly and according to whatever I asked.

So I took my time in replying.  I paused, I reflected.  Perhaps Adonai read my mind, and was able to see the initial requests of power, women and riches being suggested by my young mind but then quickly dismissed.  For this is the Most High, I reminded  myself.  I have but one opportunity to impress the almighty One of my forefathers.  If I had asked for riches or women, he would have given them to me.  His word is true, and he did offer me whatever I requested.  Perhaps I wondered at the time if a man did weakly ask for such obvious things, would He forgive him for being weak?  Would He have granted me those things I wished for only to punish me in other ways for my selfish choices?  Perhaps if I had wished for riches and power and sensual pleasures, I would have received those things only to discover that a hedonistic life was hardly worth living.

Yet, that is not what I was considering.  Rather than ponder over the luxury of such material wealth, and rather than focus on the lawful details of such a dangerous request in the face of divine pressure, I chose to think of the matter on a much deeper level.  Scoff though you might, know that I did in fact look into the future before answering.  I saw the end of my life though many years ahead.  I saw all that I had amassed and I heard my own dying thoughts.  How was I able to do this?  At the time I did not know.  I called this uncanny ability I had “discernment”.  One who wisely discerns what is not in the present, nor necessarily perceptible.  What was apparent to everyone and what was tangible to most were no longer of my concern.  At that moment, I started to analyze life for more than what it appeared to be or even what it should be.  I saw His creation as something fleeting, with every beautiful and collectible feature amounting to nothing more than a man’s vanity.

“Ask what I shall give thee, young Solomon.”

And so I answered Adonai carefully.  Not cautiously, but in deep thought.  “You have shown David my father great mercy.  And now you have made me King in his place.  But I am but a little child.  I know not how  to go out or come in.  And I am to command your chosen people?  A great number of people that cannot even be counted?  Therefore, what I truly request of You, is to give me an understanding heart so that I can judge your people as you would.  Let me discern the differences between Good and Evil, the truth of the matter that Adam and his wife were unable to comprehend.  I request only the wisdom of God.”

And Adonai seemed pleased by my request.

“Because thou hast asked this thing, and hast not asked for thyself long life; neither hast asked riches for thyself, nor hast asked the life of thine enemies; but hast asked for thyself understanding to discern judgment; Behold, I have done according to thy words: lo, I have given thee a wise and an understanding heart; so that there was none like thee before thee, neither after thee shall any arise like unto thee. And I have also given thee that which thou hast not asked, both riches, and honor: so that there shall not be any among the kings like unto thee all thy days.  And if thou wilt walk in my ways, to keep my statutes and my commandments, as thy father David did walk, then I will lengthen thy days.”

And I awoke and beheld that it was a dream.  And upon waking, I had only one thought in my mind.  “But Adonai?  I did not wish for riches or glory.”
Confused at why we’re wasting all this time talking about King Solomon in a book that’s not for sale or published? Why not have a laugh? Visit the Urban Legends page to read absurd rumors and even crazier truths about L. M. Warren’s books.

“A Portrait Of The Mitchell As A Self-Published Writer” (Originally published 2006 at the TLMW Museum)

I trust you have met his majesty, King Solomon by now. Let’s now introduce you to the other half of this perplexing collaboration. While he doesn’t really believe he is King Solomon’s reincarnated self, author Mitchell Warren certainly finds parallels between his penniless poet life struggling in North Texas and in Solomon’s opulent reign during ancient Israel.

Madness, you say? Warren doesn’t argue. “I do believe I’m going mad. It’s no great coincidence that the sooner we find total  incoherent lunacy, the closer we come to occupying a world that is not  our own. Sanity is one of the sacrifices we must make in order to inhabit that new plain, that entirely new level  of thinking. While I don’t literally believe I am King Solomon, can anyone prove to me that part of Solomon’s soul doesn’t still live inside me? That I, and any number of us walking about the earth and pontificating at any given moment, have not assimilated pieces and fragments of his timeless mind? Where does all that wisdom and information go when the body dies? Even if it’s not stored somewhere safely, it is escaping somewhere and subject to whoever can catch that spark of inspiration.”

Is he for real, you ask? This we must ask of a man who marketed his first book so brazenly as a “a libelous and sacrilegious novel doomed to hell.” With a writer so self-deprecating and personally elusive as Warren, we must wonder just how much of his gospel is exaggerated and how much of an illusion he casts even in his most “personal” work to date. Warren is quick to reveal at least one honest and uncovered truth in this magic show-marketing campaign; The Song Of Solomon is the first ever PG-rated book by this vitriolic novelist, once notorious for his foul-mouthed dialogue and exorbitant love scenes. “I don’t know if God is proud of me, or just ashamed that my sexual drive is waning,” he quips. As for whether or not Warren truly believes in inherited destiny, parallel worlds, and nonlinear reincarnation, or if he’s just confounding us with perplexing, unanswerable questions for his own amusement in the true Solomonic spirit,  is up to the reader’s discernment.

While this illusionist has often called himself the elusive butterfly when it comes to real human relationships, the webmaster has gathered at least this much information  on him. Mitchell Warren’s father was a minister in Texas and for a time it seemed as if Mitchell was following in the family tradition. He has admitted many times to being a former minister. One who actually gave sermons on the pulpit every week and who once, ironically, preached against too much freethinking and guarding against unchristian doctrines. However, it was soon discovered that the young would-be King of a spiritual kingdom lacked certain qualities required for such a weighty responsibility. As for what those lacking qualities were is anyone’s speculation. Though it’s a likely scenario, that if Warren brought the same restive theatrics to the pulpit as he now brings to his books, he was simply too much too soon for churchgoers to absorb. Dejected, he left the ministry behind to pursue his writing career. It is of little wonder then that the rebel minister sought isolation instead of attention, living directly in the heart of the bible-belt community. A community he once helped to shape and then suddenly abandoned. “While I have not yet reconciled the guilt, I have successfully managed to stop constantly obsessing over it. And that of course, is a lie. A lie I feel guilty about telling.”

Tragically, Mitchell Warren remains unmarried even at the age of twenty-eight. Many of Warren’s colleagues and co-workers are often surprised to learn that such aged and cynical profundities are coming from the mind of such a young man. And a young man who, as he himself admits in very unbiblical terms, never gets laid. “I don’t try at all. Sex seems to be a monumental waste of time. Even upon first leaving the ministry, I never felt the desire to go explore the world and bed a hundred different women. Solomon would be ashamed, I know. But love and sex thrive in the fantasy world, in the literary world. In real life they are very scientific notions, complex like splicing atoms, and hardly romantic at all.” When asked if there exists a mistress anywhere in the world capable of stealing him away from his one true love, that is Writing, Warren replies in painful honesty. “I am a love agnostic. I can believe in something powerful and destructive like God. But something as fanciful and idealistic like true love? We love what is constant and unfailing in our lives. Women and religion are two things that have proven to be fallible and untrustworthy.”

Warren continues to live in DFW, Texas, more busy than lonely, and with far too many domesticated birds to speak of comfortably. “Another parallel between Solomon and I. He collected women, I collect birds. The similarities astound me,” he giggles. (Laughing with us or at us?) He is also known for wearing stylish hats whenever venturing out into the cold world that waits outside his writing room. “I have a hat for every mood as I’m sure Solomon had a crown for every occasion.”

Finally, we asked the master illusionist Mitchell Warren the ultimate question; stripped away of your many facades, silencing the voices in your head that come from your many colorful and outspoken characters, and even forgetting the wisdom of Solomon that drives this book campaign, who really are you?

Stroking his chin where his long flowing beard would be if he were king for a day, he replies cautiously, even while wearing an impudent smile. “I am Mitchell Warren, my pseudonym. None of us are really ‘ourselves’…we become people in our past or in our present, or at least we try to become who others expect us to be. We become whoever we have to be in order to survive. Anyone who says otherwise cannot comprehend the complexity of the mind, the uncomfortable truth about life, much less the wisdom of Solomon.”

IN: Are you satisfied with the notion that The Song Of Solomon is a love story? Does it concern you that the book is associated with genre pieces?

MW: At first it did concern me. I felt it was vulgar to call a book about so much more than just love and lust a “love story”, as if it were about an unhappily married woman and her shirtless amorist. The preconceived idea seems to be that good books are not about romance. They are about life, grief and progression. In theory, I agree with them. Love is an emotion. It is a man’s attempt to encapsulate one moment for a lifetime. Therefore, in a way it’s about the exact opposite of progression and overcoming the challenges of life. I wanted the book to be called an experimental novel at first consideration. But the more I dwelt on it, I reasoned that love is such an intrinsic part of this book that it would be dishonest to call it anything but a lyric of love. At the very least, a song devoted to the definition of the ideal…that is, what love can or should be to every person.

IN: Would you describe your protagonist, King Solomon, as an idealist who becomes cynical?

MW: That’s one viewpoint. However, it could also be reasoned that he went into life already cynical, met with the cynicism and failure he set himself up for, and then in the end, became the idealist.

IN: And Solomon’s love interest, the legendary Shulammite. She is certainly an amazing character. One might even say, sure to be misunderstood by the vast readership. After all, for the entire book — not to give anything way — Solomon sees her one way, and thus he compels his readers to see her in the same way. But in the end, because of his clouded view, isn’t it true that the Shulammite becomes to Solomon, and your readers, an effigy of sorts?

MW: Yes. In the beginning she is shown to have form and exudes the essence of fidelity. But by the concluding chapter, she is shown to be a flawed woman in spirit.

IN: One could argue that the story is not so much about the Shulammite’s flaws, as it is about King Solomon’s own skewered perception of romance. Would it be fair to say, as Solomon himself foreshadows in the introduction, that one that cannot even define love doesn’t deserve to have it?

MW: {Pauses} Well, not necessarily. As several characters in the story prove, one can easily attempt to define love and yet not have the slightest notion of what it really means. I think of it more along the lines of, what Solomon thought was supposed to be love–that is, the ideal and quintessence–he could never find with one flawed woman. What that says as to the universal ramifications of romantic love, is best left up to the individual to explain. It would presumptuous of me to dogmatically expound to my readers what love is and what to look for.

IN: Much like King Solomon was presumptuous in his courtship of the Shulammite?

MW: {Laughs} Well, I wouldn’t purposely compare my readers to Shulammite. Though in theory, if romance is writing, and the writer is the lovesick suitor, then I guess a book appealing to a mainstream readership would be the unattainable woman.

IN: In one sentence, what is The Song Of Solomon really about?

MW: Into one word, better yet, I can paraphrase it. Idolatry. We all see true love as a simulacrum of something greater we long to feel but will never find. But haven’t you heard? Real life is not fiction. We have no choice but to live in the real world, accept its finical standards, and leave our dreaming to fantasyland.

IN: What drives creative thought? What makes a work brilliant?

MW: As far as creativity goes, suffering. If you talk to two people in a normal conversation, one who has enjoyed a fairly pleasant existence, and the other a survivor of nationalistic atrocities, of course the one who suffered the most will be the most interesting. Perhaps it is the competitive drive in human beings. “I don’t wish to talk to you, or to read your work, unless you’ve proven yourself a greater human being than I.” As far as brilliance goes, I think ambition is what makes a work brilliant. No modest man has ever won the world’s favor. It’s scientifically contradictory to want glory for yourself and then wait for others to glorify you. Only by claiming to be the Son of God, was the humble man Jesus accepted as the greatest man who ever lived.

IN: Final question. What does love mean to you? Not to King Solomon, but to Mitchell Warren?

MW: Love is an evolving quality. Love cannot be defined or felt equally by a young man and an old man. A man cannot feel love the same way a woman does. A person who has suffered deeply cannot love in the same way as a virgin would. Then national and religious policies come into play. A man who loves God will never explore the perilous boundaries of romantic love at the request of the church. And a man who would sacrifice his life for his country, does not love his wife in the same way a widower would miss her husband. I also believe that in every lifetime, there is one true love that will elude us. But love will not cease to be at that moment of loss. Rather, it shall wait for you, and be shaped further by your experiences and views. As far as what to look for, or what I would look for? You have to think of a soul mate, or a true love if you will, as a bridge. A bridge is built to transport a person from one destination to the next. It would be impossible to cross a watery gap without a sturdy structure; one that you trust is secure. To me, a true lover would be a bridge in that she would connect you from your past to your present and safely to your future. Love should be a very coherent thing. It’s the same essential elements that make a good story. A beginning…in order to love someone, you would have to know that person for a long period of time. She or he would become a protagonist to you, a central character in the novel of your life. It’s very important in a good book to establish a strong protagonist within the first few pages. It establishes trust and trust is really the most important quality in love. In a good novel, to be considered a lead character or even an antagonist, a character has to appear frequently and have plenty of dialogue. What is that? That’s friendship. People underestimate the value of friendship in a romantic relationship and substitute less important qualities like mystery or spontaneity. But mystery is often times a cover up for the rebarbative truth. If you marry a friend, you will receive friendship. If you marry a stranger, you might receive more mystery than you can handle. In short, a true love in the idealistic sense would be someone who has watched you from the very beginning to the middle and to the end. She or he spent time with all of the same characters you did. Someone who has experienced the exact same memories that you have. That way, she or he comes to the same logical conclusions as you do. All human beings are secretly desiring to marry their opposite sex clone. That is, someone who knows your life, perfectly understands your viewpoint, and not because you bore her or him with the picayune details, but because she or he lived it too. My ideal love, if I believed in such a fanciful thing, would reassure me, stop my all-encompassing speech short, and say, “I know what you’re talking about. I was there.” It’s what all of us truly feel deep inside. I’m the only one who admits it. Everyone else, never speaks of it and just marries the closest thing they can find to ultimate compatibility.

IN: That was a mouthful.

MW: Well, that was a loaded question.

IN: That’s a very unique view of love. I guess it’s safe to say your ideal mate would have to buy a copy of your book.

MW: Well, unfortunately the novel I speak of is unpublished, undocumented and exists only in my head.

IN: Isn’t that a bit extreme to say people are going on a never-ending quest to find and marry themselves?

MW: That is the very concept of compatibility. Shared experiences, what you have in common with each other, similar behavioral patterns, etc. Small differences in hobbies and in mannerisms we rationalize are proof that “opposites attract.” But that’s not true. Incompatible people who have completely opposing personalities and who react to situations in totally different ways, cannot stand to live with each other. On the other hand, isn’t every healthy relationship the result of compatibility? True, we occasionally desire conflict from a mate, just as we hate and punish ourselves every once in a while. It’s an ego maneuver, a way of not taking for granted all that we have. But couples who get together and stay together, you’ll notice, beyond the peripheral differences, are remarkably similar.

IN: If that’s your view of love…will you ever find it?

MW: Am I required by law to find it? The more friends we have and the less lovers, the better. Besides, we can never get too attached to something we’re bound to lose someday.

IN: Okay not you, but let’s say someone well-adjusted and normal. What if that person never finds true love? What will happen to him?

MW: {Pauses} He will become incapable of loving. And lastly, incapable of showing love. He’ll become addicted to the pursuit and the never-ending quest to claim an unattainable prize. Those personality types often become philanderers or marry multiple times only to see separation. In the end, not only they deprive their women of happiness…they expropriate their own.
IN: Sounds familiar. Like King Solomon. The man of a thousand wives and a kingdom of riches who could never find true happiness.

MW: Yes, well…not everything in real life is so closely colligated with works of fiction.

Anti-Guru Interview, 2012

“In honor of the completion of “Attempted Rapture”, a non-achievement and an anti-accomplishment, I officially proclaim myself an Anti-Guru. In the same vein as an Anti-Pope, an Anti-Hero, or the Anti-Spawn.“In honor of the completion of “Attempted Rapture”, a non-achievement and an anti-accomplishment, I officially proclaim myself an Anti-Guru. In the same vein as an Anti-Pope, an Anti-Hero, or the Anti-Spawn.

The reason being is that I stubbornly reject all beliefs and the inference and mistaken notion that I actually believe that I reject all beliefs. I do not believe that “nothing is provable” because that would be a belief. I do not believe in indifference or in selfish egoism because that is a strong system of belief. Rather, I refuse to be called a believer in anything, simply because I reject the definition of “belief”. However, this does not make me an unbeliever, since that strongly implies that I have a system or organizational methodology of disbelief, which is contrary to the definition of an anti-believer.

These are not my own whims or the ravings of a horny derelict but in response to the Higher Learning Community, the college professors and enlightened college students, who have made it illegal to interpret definitions within context. What “is” is and thus one must be explicit in defining his belief, or in this case, no belief. Therefore to appease the Higher Learning Community, and to avoid being beaten senseless by deans, professors, and master’s degree holding nineteen-year-olds, I am submitting to the studiocratic arrangement of things. I disallow anyone on the face of the planet to say that I have a “belief”, under the threat of ad-hominem attacks, trolling, flame wars and everything else that college professors and college students use to prove their incontrovertible maturity and superior intellect.

I am not a Nihilist since that implies a belief. I do not reject all faiths or scientific facts, since that implies owing a certain loyalty to a set or implied system of beliefs, hypotheses and circumferential evidence that I whole-heartedly reject in all circumstances, because to accept this human concept of “evidence”, “logic”, or presentation would be to subscribe to a belief when I officially renounce the definition of “belief”, and thus it cannot be stated that I believe anything. Or nothing. I am not an abstractionist or a figurativist, since that implies that I believe in non literal explanations, because I am vehemently against anti-thoughts, though I do not believe that in the strictest interpretation. It cannot be stated that I have expressed anything in this post, but that it was an anti-post, deleting from the universe things that may have previously existed.

In fact, it is now illegal to suggest that Mitchell “said something” or “stated something” since that implies that a belief was shared. The correct way to address such tomfoolery would be to say, “I insist on believing that Mitchell said something*.”

* Please note that college students always have the right to rewrite the English language and personal or institutional definitions at any given time. And if you ever have any doubt about this, just know, you are “wrong”. (-Attributed to millions of Higher Learning advocates)

As an Anti-Guru, appointed by no one, accredited by nothing, and as unqualified as anyone else to give advice, I can state with assurance that if you seek advice from me you will actually un-learn things that you think you already know. Thus speaking to me will likely rob your brain of information you previously thought you had. I wouldn’t recommend anyone taking advice from me, as I strive to give the equivalent of anti-matter to people seeking “truth”.

What I would suggest to you, though this is strictly not a belief, is that you stop taking advice from others so damned seriously and realize that at the end of your life, all your life amounts to is the collection of decisions that you made over a period of time—no doubt influenced by corporatists, propagandists, impostor gurus, your parents, people you modeled your life after, your literary heroes, your celebrity crushes, your religious icons, your intellectual skeptic superiors, your founding fathers, your country which you were accidentally born to, and random people that said stupid things on the Internet over the image of Willy Wonka, SpongeBob, or some angry pussy.

What I would tell you is to think for yourself and stop being such a chicken—but that would be hypocritical since that would imply a belief. There, consider yourselves robbed of knowledge.”

I Was Crying When I Met You 2014

An Interview with Mitchell Warren, author of Cry On Cue. 

Mitchell Warren, the author of Attempted Rapture, first released Cry On Cue in 2005 as a follow up book, but only revealed himself as the editor. Instead, a woman named Floren Felvturn was credited with penning the work, a supposedly delusional woman whose insane ramblings Warren pieced together to form a coherent story.

Now, nearly ten years later, Cry On Cue is being rereleased under the Subversify Entertainment imprint in an all new “Unmedicated” edition free for Warren’s fans. While Floren’s fictional profile and social media presence fooled many people ten years ago, Warren has finally come clean and admitted her fictional reality, although his inspirations behind this bizarre character are no less disturbing. In this rare and exclusive interview, author Mitchell Warren finally takes credit for the book, albeit with more than a few cautions.

SU: Why did you release Cry On Cue as an editor and claim Floren Felvturn was the author?

MW: It was a marketing ploy. The idea of a chick-lit writer written by a man didn’t seem prudent. So I determined I would give them the female writer the industry wanted, but make her as insane as possible. The entire book was a criticism and parody of chick-lit books. Floren was an exaggeration, a caricature that helped degrade this genre of literature.

SU: Do you really hate chick-lit that much?

MW: Not necessarily. I hated the advertising behind chick-lit. I felt it really talked down to its audience. So I had the idea of creating Floren, a character that talked at a level far above her audience, so the point where she came across as insane, rambling and psychotic. But I actually wrote the book much earlier, about 2002. And the intent was not to make it a chick lit book but a black comedy. However, by the time I edited it at the request of some agents, the anti-chick lit angle was brought to my attention. So we went with it.

SU: How did people respond?

MW: Not especially well, since many chick-lit readers were offended at the marketing materials and the depiction of a post feminist character. But then again, we also got a lot of controversy which made people take note.

SU: Is Floren Felvturn an offensive caricature of feminism?

MW: She’s not supposed to be a feminist, but a caricature of chick-lit novels, who are themselves poor role models and generally dumb characters. Floren was a burlesque exaggeration of femininity—a role reversal of an aggressive female who chases after men and goes through life just annoying people profusely.

SU: What possessed you to write a female character and in such an odd genre of fiction?

MW: Like Rapture, this was a book that defied genre fiction. It wasn’t a comedy, it wasn’t a drama, and it wasn’t a horror. It was definitely a freak show and an experimental novel that took an idea—or actually a number of ideas about life and the human experience—and created this opera of evil and tragedy.

SU: But how did you as a male writer find common ground with Floren?

MW: Because I think she is actually a unisex accessible character in many ways. She is a woman but she thinks aggressively and behaves aggressively. Quite a few female readers told me they have friends that act like Floren, so I don’t think she was that far-fetched a person. Just uncommon.

SU: How much of Floren is you, or is she entirely out in left field?

MW: Floren is every woman and every man who has ever been afraid to trust somebody. She builds walls around her and distances herself from people, even though she wants intimacy and goes about in all the wrong ways. Anyone who has ever been lonely can relate, anyone who’s ever trusted someone only to be stabbed in the back by a friend, can relate. There’s also something to be said in the fact that Floren finds greater peace in a normal friendship than in a romantic relationship, or with her therapists.

I also think that with Floren I was able to acknowledge my own feminine spirit and deep inner feelings—which every male has by the way—but we spend a lot of time suppressing that. So if Attempted Rapture was my way of exiting religion and that lifestyle, Cry On Cue was my way of exiting the machismo, men-don’t-cry philosophy that I was surrounded by among conservative Christians, who were very anti-feminist, anti-gay, anti-emotion, and so on.

SU: Do you think this book came across as too critical of the psychology and psychiatry fields?

MW: Not necessarily. I think the two doctors in the book were correct in their viewpoints, and it was Floren’s choice on whether to listen to them or not. And I think she did listen and made some progress. But it just wasn’t what the doctors wanted to see. This actually illustrates two different methods of psychology. Behavioral modification and client-centered help therapy.

SU: Without giving too much away about the plot twist…were Floren and Paula ultimately likable protagonists or were they anti-heroes?

MW: Definitely heroes, definitely protagonists. I think that’s why I like the story so much, is because they are both shown to do heinous things at different times. But in the end, you do understand them. And they are both worthy of happiness. But like the quote goes, everybody wants love on their own terms. And who are we to stand in the way?

Mitchell Warren Interviews Himself, 2015

Today, I am interviewing a guest that I admit I have some reservations about, considering his controversial opinions, not to mention his personal biases towards his own work.  But I feel this is really the last frontier left in journalism, is gonzo self promotion, or as we call it in the anarchy sector, “Self Deprecation 101.”  My guest today is a man who needs no introduction.  But since he insists on having one, I guess I have to placate him, because it’s what I would certainly want, if I were in his shoes, which I have been on several occasions.

Mitchell Warren is a freelance writer, author, social media troll and generally a curmudgeon who has something mean and vile to say about everyone and everything.

A: Thank you.  Yes.

Q: Please wait until the interview has begun, Mister Warren.

A: Sorry.  Go ahead.  I like when people say nice things about me.

Q: This isn’t nice, I was actually going to insult you a little bit.

A: Oh I see.  Well now I’m a hostile subject.

Q: Mitchell Warren has been traditionally published and has interviewed Oscar winners, but tends to hide all these accomplishments in favor of promoting his self-published work.  When the world asks him to say something nice, he tends to say something rude and sarcastic.  When someone wants him to be funny, he usually says something depressing and probably racist, sexist and homophobic to boot.  You are perhaps the most uncooperative son of a bitch in the entertainment field, which certainly explains why you’re not working for a major corporation, and why you don’t have legions of fans like say, William Hung or Kim Kardashian have.

A: May I say something now?

Q: No, not yet.  Whereas many people on social media tend to talk about important issues, such as Democratic or Republican candidates, global warming, or GMO products, you tend to gripe about friends deleting you on Facebook, about celebrities blocking you on Twitter, and about how slow Pinterest operates, even on an iPad.

A: Don’t forget Google Plus.  I often post long, existential soliloquies on there, and keep them up for about a week before I realize that no one actually reads Google Plus and then just delete them.  Most people just want a summary of what you ranted about on Google Plus for easy Facebook scrolling.

Q: Whereas most people tend to post videos of ISIS, or of puppies being assaulted, you post decades-old videos from The Archies.

A: I was very scandalized by the evil looks on the teenagers’ faces.  They looked right at me and grinned, their evil little smiles suggesting more than I was comfortable with.  Not all of us had the privilege of finding a kissing booth for a dollar, within our own neighborhood.  That was the tragedy of it all.

Q: All right, you’re not making any sense.  The real interview can now begin.  What was your upbringing like?

A: I don’t remember my upbringing.  I think I had an idea of what it was like once, but that may have just been a movie starring Edward James Olmos.   I think it was called Spiderman 2.

Q: You’re thinking of Alfred Molina.  Okay, serious question.  What was your first job?

A: I plead the fifth.

Q: This isn’t a trial.  It’s a promotional interview.

A: Then that means I don’t have to answer the question, right?

Q: Yes.  If you wish.

A: Then I plead the fifth.  (A rather serious glower)

Q:  All right.  Your first fictional book published was Attempted Rapture.

A: Yes.

Q: Who do you think hated it the most?

A: Probably this girl that I was interested in at the time.  She was Christian and didn’t care too much about all the talk of, well, you know.  How shall we say, all the processes and various acts that precede or succeed romantic or not so romantic involvement.  The intricacies of movement, of thoughts and of artistic expression in purely human form.

Q: You mean the sex?

A: Well, I prefer not to think of sex so simplistically but all right, if you wish to vulgarize what I’m saying, that will do.

Q: Do you have issues with sex and with women?

A: I don’t understand the question.  The truth is that I was friend-zoned many years ago by many women.  But now I have friend-zoned everybody I know in vicious retaliation.  I have literally friend-zoned all my friends on Facebook.  Well, except my wife.  And that is the vicious cycle that continues between the men, the women, and well, the Natlee or the Third Sex.  I do consider myself a hero, in that I am a third sex gender; partly a female but one that happens to be stuck in the body of a very macho bear-like man.  And one that desires only women.  In fact, I consider myself a Fourth Sex, just as there are four dimensions, there are also four sexes, and I am patenting the idea first.  I am a Fourth Sex person.  The next macro evolution beyond Asexuality.

Q: I think you lost me again.  All right, moving on to Cry On Cue.  How many people hated this book?  You got nothing but hate mail, bad reviews, and people threatening to kill you, or more specifically Floren Felvturn, the anti-hero of the book.

A: Yes.  I think it was a huge success.   My goal was to write a book that made no sense and that made people very uncomfortable.  And it worked magnificently.  My own father said, and I quote, “I didn’t understand a word of it and I just gave up.”  It really made me cry but in a cathartic, very positive way.  I had finally reached the point of total human isolation, a language all unto myself that few people could understand.  I was in my own private heaven.  I was God.  I was on the Fifth Level above God.  In fact, I am patenting what I call Fifth Heaven.

Q: …Ooookay.  Next question.  Raining Cats and Dogs.  Perhaps the only book that has ever featured an all dog cast.  Instead of humor or action for children, you merely had the dog characters pontificating and giving long soliloquies on life and, well, on subjects like shitting, eating and casual sex.  And yet you claim the book was highly religious.

A: Yes.  Religion is mostly the stubborn insistence that waste, food, sex and prayer is the answer to all life.

Q: What church did you go to?

A: Well, it’s true, isn’t it?  Religion basically brainwashes us to go to the bathroom, to eat healthy, to procreate and find true love and then to pray.  Everybody prays.  Some people mentally pray whereas others physically pray.  Through marijuana, alcohol, endorphin rushes and of course, orgasmic release.  That is the physical form of prayer.  Man cannot easily separate the emotion from the logic of his own mind, hence we detest either physical prayer, or mental prayer.  But it’s all the same damned thing.  The process of reaching out to other sentient beings, next to you, or worlds above you.  What I have done is create a hypothetical SIXTH DIMENSION.  Which I have patented.  It is one level above God, religion, atheism and agnosticism.  It is the realization all of life is made up of song, of patterns and notes.  And we all hear, because we are Gods.  Only the gods can hear.  And we all hear.  We all…

Q: All right then.  The next question.

A: I wasn’t finished.

Q: I felt you were.  Your new book, The End of the Magical Kingdom series.  You’ve written what is essentially a fairy tale book for children which is actually full of rampant violence, adult subject matter and horrific scenes that couldn’t even be shown in animation, quite frankly.  Disney would probably assassinate you if this book ever became popular.  I was going to say sue you, but assassination is so much cheaper with the Deep Web and all that.  Are you aware of Deep Web assassins?

A: Yes.  I chatted with a few of them.  They were mainly interested in my bit coins.  But when I talked about my books they tended to lose interest in me.  I do not hesitate to say that Deep Web Assassins are very selfish people.  Not at all concerned about supporting starving artists.

Q: What do you say to people who say you write things that intentionally provoke people?

A: That’s what people don’t understand.  I don’t write for the people of today.  I write for people in the future.  Twenty years from now, people may actually understand my work.  Or maybe 100 years from now.  And to those people I say, nice to meet you.  And we get together and we laugh about people from the year 2015 and their strange, antiquated ways.  By now of course I am dead and somewhere on the Seventh Level of the afterlife.  Which I have also patented and trademarked.

Q: If you mean the seventh level of Hell, I think someone already created that.

A: Oh.

Q: And what do you have to say to the people of today that read your work?

A: I’m sorry.  Your perceptions of the market, popularity and what is mainstream and relatable are passing quickly.  Before you know it, another generation will be here.  And nothing you see or hear will make sense anymore.  That’s why I advise new writers to write things that are incomprehensible now.  Generation Z will totally dig it because their whole thing is random stuff that makes no sense.  I am essentially Generation Z, trolling Generation Y and Generation X.   I am a rock star of impenetrable writing.  I am impenetrable!

Q: Well let’s hope you never get sent to prison because that will change very quickly.

A: Perhaps.  Speaking of female prisons, I think this interview is going down south.  What do you say we grab a drink together and chase some tail around the house?

Q: Sounds good.  I would really like some candy about now.  How about you?

A: I think that sounds great!

Q: Anything rather than start work.  Because writing about corporate products and hit TV shows for short-attention span consumers SUCKS.

A: I hear that!  Speaking of which, let’s get high right now!

Q: I like that idea!

A: Say, isn’t this the point where the editor stops the interview?

Q: Yes.  Damn, it’s a shame we have no editor presiding over us to be all professional and tell us, in his highly educated MA-in-English opinion, where the article should end.

A: I know.  That’s a shame too.  Without him, we really have no idea what we’re doing.  We can only speculate and say ‘Gee, I think the interview should end here.’  ***

Q: No HERE. ***

A: Here. ***

Q: Oh wait and don’t forget the obligatory self-promotional link, worked in very smoothly, as a conversational text link rather than a Google-penalized ad.  Let’s not piss off Google though, and instead link to Sexy Whores That Have  You know, just to be safe about all this self promotion.  Because the only thing worse than SPAM, porn and malware sites is blatant self promotional content.

A: God speed, Mitchell Warren.

Q: I know.

Sexy Terrorist, 2017

L.M. Warren’s “The End of the Magical Kingdom” trilogy was always devised as the strange mutant baby of internet cartoons and social media trolling.  Subversify caught up with Mitchell and piqued his mind regarding his unique writing style, which is often described as “emotionally violent” and “hostile to the audience.”

Q: Many of your glowing reviews liken your writing to “trainwreck poetry”.  It’s beautiful, it’s poetic and yet it’s a traumatic experience.  Why?

A: I believe it’s the voice of the Now, as opposed to ten or twenty years ago.  This is a new generation.  Modern writing is emotive.  It’s harsh.  It’s more clever than soothing.  Many of us in the Y-Generation used to read for education but we relaxed by watching cartoons and flame-warring on message boards.  The language of script writing has always been, historically speaking, punchy and aggressive.  That’s probably why people who love movies enjoy my writing.  It feels like a cartoon or a live-action play, rather than a traditional novel.

Q: You cite Susan Harris and the sitcom Soap as one of your main influences.  Why go for laughs when most novels are about deep introspection and high drama?

A: I think a lot of writers are so keen on following rules of serious literature, they forget the essence of human storytelling.  It’s about conflict.  It’s about keeping your sense of humor, even in the darkest of times.  It’s holding the audience’s imagination hostage with a glimpse into another world.   Maybe that world is Hell, but it’s always interesting.  I really don’t think any show has ever matched Soap’s tone either, at least as far as telling a dramatic story in an exaggerated and funny way.  All in the Family was realistic comedy.  Soap was surreal and yet emotionally brutal.  I was inspired a lot by that. The Maxx was another influence.  It was tragedy written in quirky comic book speak language. Fusion literature.

Q: With your trilogy of books you do just that, fuse together “serious literature” with juvenile profanity and sarcasm.  You’ve described it as social commentary that the South Park generation can appreciate.  Yet, whereas cartoon shows have a “nothing sacred” collection of barbs, you insist on adding scenes of such unrelenting depression and tragedy in between sitcom-like scenes.  You tell the audience it’s time to laugh, only to leave them in tears.

A: Yes, it may come from the fact that I’m a depressive.  Or it could be that I simply have a great desire to write literature but in a brand new comedic voice.  Some of my darkest creative influences come from the distant past.  Our Town, Death of a Salesman, Animal Farm and the original Brothers Grimm.  This is what’s shaping my world.  And I don’t believe in going all Stephen King on you and describing the grass for 50 pages.  It’s happening in real time, at least in my mind it is.

Q: Is the book for younger readers?  Or does it target more sophisticated readers over the age of 40?

A: Older readers immediately catch onto the social satire.  But younger readers will like it regardless of whether they understand what every allegorical character represents.  We’re not giving the younger generation enough credit.  Sure, there are many that don’t read.  But the ones that do are eager to read something new.  The millennial generation doesn’t want clichés, formulaic plots and predictable Harlequin romance.  If you actually read modern fanfiction on the Internet, some of it is very bleak and bizarre stuff.  This is what younger crowds enjoy.  Something they’ve never seen before, something their parents have never seen before.

Q: You’ve written a War and Peace-sized trilogy of books written for short-attention span audiences of today.  If the objective is to appeal to short attention spans, why make the series so long?

A: Everybody loves an ongoing story.  It just takes some planning to make it accessible.  If our goal as modern and influential storytellers is to build franchises, then we’re actually writing books to read for people who hate reading.  The challenge is in hooking them with strong imagery, with comedy, and with easy flowing contemporary language.

Q: You made these books as ADHD-friendly as modern writing can get, with scenes of intense emotional brutality, obscene limericks posing as faux Disney-songs, over the top descriptions of sex and violence, and as many references to illegal drugs as you could fit into a PG-13 rated book.

A: Yes the mock of Disney is intentional.  It’s a mask of a family friendly G-rated book, a tongue in cheek sort of thing.  In actuality it’s a horrific satire of man’s violent nature.  It does feel as if “you’re there”, because the prose relies on hypnotic suggestion, which I’ve also studied for quite some time.  And in scenes of brutality, yes, that’s harrowing to read.  But we imagine ourselves in this hypothetical world, experiencing a new life.  And yes, if your imagination is vivid, sometimes that world is uncomfortable.  It’s an experience you’ll never forget.

Q: You’re having far too much fun trolling the literary world.

A: I think we as new age authors have a responsibility to save writing, to keep the art of it alive.  I have no interest in making movies.  My heart is in writing and always will be.  But that doesn’t mean I will deny my readers of the full cinematic experience that the movies give them.  If the worst they say about my book is that it’s a series of books for people that hate reading, then I’ll take that as a compliment.  If the second worst thing they can say about me is that I troll the literary world, that’s a fascinating compliment and I’ll take that too.

A:Now that the NSA and FBI have been alerted with carefully chosen keywords, let’s talk about what “terrorism” means.

MW: Terrorism is defined as the use of violence and intimidation in the pursuit of political aims.

That’s a broad definition and one that encompasses the State as well as the Revolution. We identify terrorists as such because we cannot bear to describe our “enemy” as merely another group of soldiers. We cannot imagine our own country as one that uses violence or intimidation to ensure their political aims.

We outgrew the term “commie” because we saw the fall of the Soviet Union, and though there is a renaissance of Russian-hate building again, most people will not accept another war that has already come and gone.

Now it’s time for companies / countries to re-brand the marketing. “Enemy” is such an empty word and it makes people think too hard about who is actually good and who is evil. “Terrorist” is a much easier word to accept because it is implied that terrorists are without souls, without conscience or compassion, and that they do cruel and sickening things to innocent people.

But if you take away the label of terrorist and describe a Good Christian who is willing to die for Jesus, or a Good Soldier who is willing to die for his country, you have something wonderful and inspirational.

The State not only takes on the actions of terrorists by using violence against innocent civilians (called Imperialism when it’s the wealthy attacking the poor) but sometimes they can actually help promote other terrorist entrepreneurs as a means of distraction. Whether it’s funding “terrorist” groups overseas or creating fictitious terrorist threats, or inadvertently creating vengeful monsters out of the remains of broken people. Sexy, if it’s someone like Sylvester Stallone or Arnold Schwarzenegger looking for patriotic revenge – disgusting if it’s a dark skinned man speaking Arabic, fighting for the vengeance of his dead child.

The people of the French Revolution, rebelling against the rich and elite were the terrorists of their day. Witches, who resisted the teachings of Protestant and Catholic religions were something to be abhorred, even more disgusting than terrorists – they were heathens, orgiasts, baby killers and Satanic vessels, deserving of nothing but rape and death.  Even in modern terms, mankind has used words like “Savages” to describe Native Americans or African Americans – because they were the “enemy” that threatened our own lives, our selfish expansion of culture.

Q: “Witches Are Terrorists”. Explain.

Everybody loves a hero and despises a villain because that’s what evokes emotion and emotion incites war.

In my book, “The End of the Magical Kingdom”, witches are terrorists or “horrorists”, as the civilized world calls them. Some are merely labeled that way because they are enemies of the state. Others are self-identified because their mission is to overthrow the government and start a new change – the very thing Trump supporters wanted months ago, and now the very thing Hillary followers crave more than anything.

The point being that to describe something as less than human, as something as disgusting and soulless as an animal (er, except dogs and cats, because they don’t deserve the death and torture that cows and pigs are subject to because of their immoral lifestyles) is to justify the most vile and exploitative behavior we are capable of – to show us the harrowing mob justice mankind dispenses, once he is driven into an emotional stampede.

Terrorists are not human. They are witches, they are roaches, they are evil, and they are godless (or they don’t believe in Science like we believe in Science). They are stupid, they are unworthy of procreation, they deserve imprisonment, they deserve disease, old age and suffering.

The easy route is to declare all terrorists, and anyone that disagrees with the government, as a threat to national security.  To stamp them out, to cleanse the human race, and to destroy their families while we’re at it.  The more challenging route, the more “evil” and unpatriotic thing to do, is to try to determine how to end the war – how to negotiate a compromise that can bring some stability, not just to one region, but well beyond the borders.  It is the very thing that politicians promise to do and a higher standard we should continue to uphold.

But yes, to call a terrorist “sexy” is a very tasteless thing to do.

Q: “Who is Mitchell Warren and why is he late?”

Late Mitchell Warren is a character I created years ago because I was afraid of speaking my mind…and because I was eager to offend everyone, troll everyone on the Internet, and prove something to the world.

Nowadays I don’t really care about any of that stuff.

I think this is what 40 feels like, realizing that the stuff that really bothered you in your 20s really doesn’t matter in the stream of time.

Politics and religion today will all be irrelevant in another 1000 years. We only pile on the miseries by devoting so much time to nonsensical right vs left hyperbole.

We burden ourselves with stress, sleepless nights, and bouts of rage over the fact that we can’t change certain animals from following their instincts and being those animals. (P.S. the answer is war…it always has been and always will be)

But I think maybe there is clarity as you grow older.

There is symmetry in admitting that you don’t know. That everything we tell ourselves about what “IS”, what IS for sure, is all speculation, the pats and caresses we give ourselves because we’re afraid to admit some things are unknowable.

Happiness is realizing that none of it matters, and that “nihilism” is simply trying to see the ends of the universe from a microscope. What matters is not how you define life and the universe, because such perspective-based dogma is as useful as your grocery list. Such is merely the things that sustain you.

Happiness is in experiencing joy in the little moments. Because joy reminds you that you’re alive. Joy is life.

Negativity reminds you that Life is not ENOUGH. It’s a death sentence to an intelligent person. It’s a prescription for insanity, especially if you write a million words about allegorical depressive nonsense.

Happiness is not being optimistic about your plan to change the world. It’s about *not* changing the world and accepting that you never will. It’s about admitting your complete lack of value, a minutia of life, a infinitesimal speck that grew from space mold. But still finding the time to enjoy Good Things.

Your perspective, your mindfulness, allows you to enjoy good things.

Happiness is in realizing that life is all a hologram. And that there really is no difference between THEN and NOW. All you are is your current perspective and what you think your memories have turned you into.

All you are is what you accept that you “see” in real time. Whatever it is that you see, the lies you tell yourself, or the illusions you insist are there, will be your reality as you know it.

I realized this just a few days ago, when I experienced what is called “unconscious selective attention.”

For about two years, I’ve been occasionally going to a local church. In this building, I saw an empty wall in the corner.

I had always considered it a fire hazard since the emergency exit door was on the other side of the building. What if there was a fire or a shooter? I sit near the back…so in the event of disaster, I would be sitting against an empty wall with no escape.

I had numerous conversations with people about that empty wall. I thought about it a little obsessively for the longest time.

Most people I talked to about it said, “I doubt anything would ever happen” or “If that happens, just work your way back towards the library room and lay low.” (No mention of the fact that the fire exit was RIGHT THERE and all I would have to do is just exit quickly from that door that was just a few feet away from me)

Then, one day I suddenly noticed that there was a huge fire exit door with a fire extinguisher. It had been there the whole time, but I never saw before it until that day.

I told my wife about seeing that “empty wall” and had full conversations with her about my paranoia of something bad happening because of a lack of an exit door.

Then the last time I mentioned it, she said, “What are you talking about? The second emergency exit door has ALWAYS been there.” (Proving that they did not just recently install it)

To my perspective, it seemed as if the fire escape appeared out of thin air. I could argue all day that it was in fact NOT there and that the environment changed. That was “fact” to me, that it wasn’t there, because my perspective told me it was.

Was it always there (and am I going senile) or did it suddenly appear? Was this a glitch in the matrix?

No, my perspective and my unconscious simply demanded that it wasn’t there and so I never saw it.

That experience helped me to realize something else about my current perspective: that I don’t like myself.

I don’t like the person I’ve become.

I am the result of a lifetime of mistakes and on hyper-focusing on the most negative, depressing and vile stories of humanity. I am an internally, destructive force, the cerebral equivalent of a tornado, and all my friends, enemies and acquaintances can hope to do is survive my presence.

I no longer consider myself a writer. I am retiring from writing permanently. Tis better to leave the world in the hands of writers who believe in something…who still have faith, or hope, or vision, preferably something better than the swamp of futility that I refuse to leave. The nothingness, the frailty, the imperfection and the suffering of mankind that only the depressive perspective sees.

I think my life is more than half over. Another thing you realize about turning 40: all the seeds you sowed from 18 and on either grow or they die within 20 years.

To the young, I suggest you sow those seeds as soon as possible rather than waiting. Because when you’re my age, it’s time to start ENJOYING what you have, rather than waste anymore time chasing rainbows.

Most of the friendships and career opportunities I had in my 20s have long expired. Even some of my best friends are dead or at least are ghosts of their former selves, back when I knew them.

What do I have to show for my life 40 years later? Just over 100 friends on my other profile and a much longer list of acquaintances who used me for various purposes and forgot me when they found better offers elsewhere.

I now cling to what still IS, rather than what could have been.

The only thing I have left in this world is not anything I have to give, but only what I have been given.

My wife Heather Warren who has tolerated my stupidity and (Mary) melancholy for ten years, like a wonderful and fearless witch. (And I use witch only in the most respectful and affectionate terms-witches are beautiful)

That, together with the fact that she can stand my horrifically ugly face and my even more demonic and poisonous personality, which has historically repelled all other women, is a testament to her moral and intellectual strength.

She is and always will be my Prince Valiant – a character from “The Twin Flame”, a book I will probably never finish. But the point was, she is pure, she is stalwart and the incorruptible knight every Disney Princess dreams of marrying. Nothing of which I deserve, but that which has been generously given to me.

I will spend the rest of my life enjoying my limited time with her. Enjoying life and shunning the depression and moral decay that has permeated my life for so long. Hopefully, my parents will move up near me too, and give me a few moments of peace.

I have no more time to waste wondering where I went wrong in life. I only want to dwell on happy thoughts from now until the end of this world, and this human body, because I have dug myself into the molten bottom of despair and discovered Hell for what it always has been – the present-tense perspective of human suffering.

The book “Jaded Sapphira” ends with my legendary character Hal Persill committing suicide as retribution to a God he hated. He does so without ever learning of his daughter Floren’s existence. She was, perhaps, the only thing that could have made him happy in life. She was the blessing of God that he missed, in his arrogance, and in his nihilism.

All these years later, I understand why I wrote it. As a reminder not to go down that path – it’s a road to nowhere.

So yes, I do consider myself *blessed* in that I have a wife who loves me. She is quite literally, I feel, what God has given me in this life.

What I needed to survive, what I LACKED from a previous life, because I missed the point of existence when I lived so self-indulgently as King Solomon.

She is God’s blessing, a love note from the Universe and she always has been. Whatever God is, if he/she exists, permeates the likes of such an honorable and altruistic creature.

Feel free to join me on my other pages…but know that Late Mitchell Warren is officially dead.

Dead Kitties, 2018

Something minor happened two days ago that ordinarily would have pissed me off and put me in a depressive funk for days, even weeks.

But the truth was, I was already emotionally numb by that point. Because I lost my cat of 10 years just a few days ago. I haven’t felt much of anything or cared about anything ever since. I suppose I was in denial the first few hours or so, trying to convince my brain it was just an animal and not my child. But eventually the grief set in and suddenly the world changed for the worst.

Not just the idea of losing him, but the reminder that he was part of my daily routine for ten years, a significant part of my life. Now that world, that existence I took for granted, was over. A part of my life was over.

We were a quartet (two parents and two cat babies) who were there for each other, very often at times when our fellow human beings abandoned us, didn’t care, and made no effort to stay in touch. Our kitties were they for us in the best of times and the worst of times.

Our pet family members are not merely surrogate children, but furry adopted sons and daughters who help us survive life, especially when we’re at our rock bottom. I said, “if heaven exists, then it must be full of cats”. Cats, and really all animal life, are so much better than people at least when it comes to providing unconditional love, trust and motivation to keep on going.

Your animals love you even when society hates you, even when the world judges you. Even when your friends find better things to do than to bother paying any attention to you. Humans are self-involved, animals are fiercely loyal.

How anyone can equate acts of barbarism, violence and cruelty to ANIMAL behavior is beyond me. Animals are truly beautiful.

I suppose right now, I’m progressing past the pain and guilt, and depression stage, and am stuck in Anger Phase.

I am angry. Angry at the world, particularly those people out there who post hashtags about #suicideprevention thinking they’re doing such a big favor for us, directing us to a Suicide Hotline.

All of their simulated caring and compassion feels dishonest to me. As someone who has struggled with depression their whole life, I know the difference between someone who feels what I feel and someone who is smiling for cameras, or posting on Facebook or Twitter to let the world know they are “against suicide” whatever that means.

The truth is hard to swallow. Ninety percent of everybody doesn’t care about you while you’re alive. They insult you, mock you and ignore you when you need help. Social media is a gladiator arena of instant judgment. The cruelty of humankind is there, online. It’s not just the “deep web” where evil lurks. It’s on the most “popular sites” where we swallow war propaganda daily, where we learn to despise others for their flaws, and where we learn that rehabilitation is impossible…HATE is clearly the answer. Our side destroying their side.

But when you DIE, or when you’re thinking about suicide, they put on such a show, don’t they? “Don’t do it because we’re all there for you. Don’t give up.”

The thought of death bothers them. The guilt of not giving a damn about fellow human being gets to them.

But when do they ever bother to help people who are struggling to live?

Of course, of course, they have their own lives to live. They have their own problems, their own to-do lists that don’t involve us.

Which brings me to the point, outcasts, misfits of society and depressed people like us need each other. We need someone who understands the struggle, not fucking phonies. Not people who send “warm thoughts” (you know, “thoughts” and “condolences” and “positive energy” – which are the EXACT same thing as “thoughts and prayers”)

We don’t need happy people lecturing us about how terrible our despair is and what we need to do to change it.

If you’re a happy person wondering what you can do to help, the only thing you can do is to offer to help with your actions…offer to listen, and to sit with a person going through grief, so you can talk about what hurts and what they miss. Spend time with them.

If you’re happy in life and doing well, keep it to yourself. Be thankful your life is going well and be respectful of those whose lives are not going so well. Stay out of our way. What we need is someone who actually cares, someone who loves us despite our most serious flaws.

I wish I could say that I, you, or someone else I know could be there for you 24-7. We all say something like, “I’m here to listen…” and we mean it. And yes, I know, I know, I know, it’s not always realistic to say. Days go by and rob us of free time. Work piles up, distractions, family time, sleep…sometimes all we have in us is to fall asleep and have some peace for a few hours.

But what I’ve gathered from all of this, is three things I know for sure

(A) Whenever you can afford the time, please reach out and ask a friend or family member how they’re doing. Ignore their first answer and ask them again. Maybe they’re just dying to talk to someone about their problems but don’t know who to talk to. Don’t just say you care…show it by investing your time. I know you can’t afford to do this to everyone you meet, but at least to your friends, to the ones whom you’ve shared life with. Don’t take friendships for granted. If they’re not nurtured they do wither away…I know from experience. RIP, all my friends living or dead, who wandered away without even a “goodbye.”

(B) Stop waiting for people to save you, stop waiting for people to show they care. They seldom do. People are self-absorbed. They’re so fixated on their own pleasure and survival, they don’t have time for you They have time for “causes” that make them feel better about themselves. People won’t be there for you, they will disappoint you.

(C) But Goddamn it, your pet will always be there for you. Your fur baby will love you 24-7. Your pet is one good reason to continue getting up in the morning. Your pet is one reason not to give up on life. Your furry, feathered or scaly friend will make life enjoyable. The little moments in life are what make it good. Pets make those moments possible. They don’t speak the same language, but they communicate emotion just as well as we do. Let your pet entertain you. Let your little adopted child comfort you and be there, when human beings are too busy.

The only thing STRONGER and more POWERFUL than the despair you feel right now because no one else loves you, is the desire a pet has to love you, and worship you, and need you – if only you have love to give.

Hug your pet goodnight and treasure these moments. If you don’t have an animal in your life, get one. Don’t live alone. Fill the room with the sounds of tiny feet.

There is love in the world, this I know. Just keep looking…and look below you at the little creature pulling on your leg.

“What is Happily Ever After? Will you ever find it?” 2019

I haven’t been very active on Facebook lately, nor on any other social media sites the last few months.

Or frankly, the last few years to people who have known me a long time.

I have been wrestling with demons for a while now, figuratively and literally. Well, maybe not so much literally.

I am a person that suffers from Writers Block and have done so ever since I stopped considering myself an “amateur” writer and started writing from the perspective of self-respect and craft. When I was a teenager, I retreated into my fictional world as a means of therapy and processing events.

For a good while, I was a volunteer pastor / minister type at church and developed my journalistic and persuasive skills in that line of work.

By the time I was aiming to seriously write novels, plays and screenplays, I realized that it’s very difficult to write when one lacks passion about the subject matter. From about 2000 to 2005, the novels I wrote became much longer but the palette of subject matter converged and themes became far more focused. I realized that if I couldn’t consistently “top myself” I shouldn’t even bother saying anything.

That very few people were even listening at that stage was beside the point. Mostly lady friends were reading my stuff back then. Attempted Rapture wasn’t even published until 2004. Cry on Cue in 2005 and Jaded Sapphira was just published last year, as an add on to Attempted Rapture. Gouging the Wound was permanently retired and The Song of Solomon remains in literary purgatory as, with dignity, my self-professed “most worthless novel ever written in the history of humankind.”

After briefly flirting with the “art of trolling” at a few writer forum websites, (which was actually a good experience, mingling with so many hateful people and learning to respond creatively to unwarranted and unsolicited criticism) I realized my efforts could be far better spent looking for work.

During this time, I began to turn my writing obsession and hobby into a paying career and gradually understood that like giving sermons in church, there was something very perfunctory about writing for profit. You had to do it, if you wanted to eat. You had to shake off the writer’s block, the laziness and the stubborn rebellion to do anything else except writing about these awful vacuum cleaners, or whatever I was helping to sell.

I avoided ghostwriting fiction during this time because at least nonfiction and sales was easier to write or “fake”. Fiction still felt very real to me.

My first real writer’s block started after I got married in 2007. It wouldn’t get it back until I was writing Raining Cats and Dogs in 2008. During these years, I became distracted by more journalistic endeavors, writing news headlines, humorous commentary and satirical pieces for work.

Eventually I became bored of the salesy articles at work and became drawn to commercial fiction. Genre flicks including romance, horror, Christian, sci-fi, historical, erotica (nice!) and the like. At first they were a lot of fun.

Over time though, I really lost the passion for writing fiction that was ultimately someone else’s idea and a bunch of clichés, hackneyed plots and familiar territory.

It got to the point where I was writing fiction in a perfunctory manner, not caring about any of these shallow characters, and quite frankly, hoping they would all die terrible deaths after the fade out.

So while I was experiencing “Writer’s Block” during this time, it didn’t actually prevent me from working. I shoved through the blasé and the empty shell of a passionless, pointing writing prompt of an exercise, and I wrote anyway.

I even distracted myself for literally years, re-writing and re-editing Attempted Rapture, which I released as a self-published book in 2014.

At some point I realized Attempted Rapture felt like a very year 2000 book. It represented my mind at the age of 23 or 24 and yet didn’t feel like a book that was actually the Current Me, plus all my accumulated wisdom, cynicism and nihilism. I really had nothing to claim for my modern self. Nothing that represented my views of the world, which of course in 2015 was a world defined by polarized social media commentary.

While I did waste hours of time arguing with people on Facebook, I still had a lot of manic energy that had no real outlet. Then I had the idea of The End of the Magical Kingdom, not as a book, but as a cartoon musical. I researched ways on how to turn this vision (an admittedly simple idea about gay marriage) into reality.

That never turned out because raising money and making time for thousands of hours of work proved impossible. That’s when I decided to complicate the idea and turn a simple argument that says “a witch and a princess should be allowed to marry” into a “chain reaction of events that led to world war.”

It seemed fitting, in lieu of the doomsday discussion happening for most of Election Year 2016, and that’s why I followed up Part 1: The Evil Princess with Part 2: The Saint of Science and Part 3: The Watchmaker’s Child, which essentially represented doom, gloom and the triumph of evil over good.

I really tried to end the princess war novels with episode 3 but it really bothered me that I ended on such a simple, fatalistic note. The concept was there… “How can there be a Happily Ever After” ending in a world where happiness was stomped out by corporate greed and commercial war?”

I felt I jumped the shark with The Saint of Science, given how horrific the imagery was, and the complete lack of redemption in developing the villains of the book and how they essentially win the war. The only way to “top myself” again was with The Watchmaker’s Child, and indeed to bring not only sci-fi and technology to the discussion, but returning to the concept of God as a non-omnipotent being, the Watchmaker who simply keeps the world turning with only limited intervention.

Finally, I conquered my writer’s block by writing about subject matter I was passionate about – words that demanded to be typed, characters that demanded to speak through me, as if I was channeling genetic memory and not merely using my imagination.

The Watchmaker’s Child was the most disturbed and yet beautiful work of art I had crafted and yet it felt completely soulless, as Schizoid as the lead character herself. The fact that the villains prevailed in the series was a nod to The Empire Strikes Back, and the idea that bad guys usually do win in real life.

The only way to top myself again would be to write a “Happily Ever After” ending to all this madness and ultra-realism (stubbornly reincarnated into a fantasy comedy). I struggled with the idea for years.

And now, as I am 100,000 words into my Work In Progress, I have finally found the Happily Ever After that eluded me for so long. I’ve found the passion that was missing in my creative life. I really did feel as if I tortured my characters for so long, they simply deserved restitution, redemption and rejuvenation, despite their irredeemable suffering.

They didn’t just deserve Happily Ever After For Now, they deserved a lifelong healing, a feeling of peace. The same peace, the same Happily Ever After that I slowly realized my wife gave me, my writing partner gave me, my parents gave me.

We make our own happy endings in life by changing our perspective, by getting rid of conflict and misery, and as much as possible, by reimagining our universe to be successful, peaceful and magical on a daily basis.

If only I could capture that thought and turn it into a gigantic novel that saves everyone and everything, and hopefully gives the human race itself some hope, even at the brink of World War IV, even in a world where nihilism, atheism and cynicism reign supreme.

And now that project is consuming me and most of my energy.

What is the new book about?

In a word, forgiveness. The final episode 4: “The Twin Flame” is about one simple idea, multiplied by numerous variables. The idea that an evil person can change – perhaps the one true honest thing that Religion gives us, and one that a secular society falls proudly short of giving us.

When I finally finish this book, probably by early 2019, I will have figured out where I stand with God, Religion, Agnosticism, Cynicism, The Secret of the Universe, and Questioning Everything.

I will most likely readjust my viewpoint and my values.

It is a book that I feel will change my life permanently and hopefully some day, will change the world itself for the better. For more on Warren’s unique brand of disturbing satire, read our related page.